Tucker Carlson has been playing the long game. Who could have predicted that a bronze shit-shaped commentary on what we put on pedestals is in fact bronze shit put on a pedestal?
Over the years, we’ve taken hit after hit from Fox News. (Not the bong kind, though Tucker has certainly emphasized our predilection for what my mother calls “pot” or “dope,” even though no one’s called it that in, like, years. God, she’s so embarrassing.) Previous attacks include Jesse Watters infiltrating the 2013 campus nudity week events, Tucker slamming the student body’s vote for reparations in 2021, and Watters conducting obnoxious interviews just about a month ago following the news that 40% of the student body identifies as LGBTQ+.
Not that we’re complaining! As a student body, we are attention whores: we love hearing people talk about us. Some of these attacks have even been half-flattering. Take Tucker’s attempted burn: “If she hadn’t dropped out of high school Paris Hilton probably would’ve been a Brown student.” I think I speak for all of us when I say we’d welcome nepo-baby Paris Hilton with open arms, at least if she’d sponsor a second day of Spring Weekend (read: “one cold and rainy afternoon that happens to fall on a weekend in what is supposedly spring”). Another example: Carlson tried to come at students for the disproportionate number of Subarus we drive, but he totally missed. Didn’t anyone tell him that Subarus are a stock part of lesbian culture and queer signaling? Call our Outbacks “PspPspPsp” the way they get us that pussy!
This time, though, Fox got us good. Last Wednesday on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Tucker revealed that we were all duped. Our beloved “Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century,” a sophisticated and nuanced commentary on gender and public art…NOT! Tucker took our esteemed Poo-no and flushed the whole thing down the toilet. Turns out, it was all a carefully orchestrated ruse by Fox News to mock our intellects and sensibilities, and we could not have been more gullible—we ate that shit up.
Tucker spent more than a year with Fox News staff designing the monument and getting its shape just right—subtle enough that it wouldn’t arouse too much suspicion but sufficiently shitty for a real “gotcha!” moment. The sculpture was supposed to stay with us until 2026, but Tucker couldn’t resist dropping his truth load a little sooner: “When I saw my bro Jesse getting all those laughs about Brown being super fucking gay, I knew it was time to reveal my pièce de résistance. They’re not even good at being gay; they don’t know shit from fine art!”
CPax has declined to comment on the situation. Her fancy dog-show-winning poodle was spotted taking a piss on the edge of the statue.