You may have dared to think that producers of reality dating shows had run out of ideas, with classics such as “Too Hot to Handle” prohibiting physical touch between contestants (boooo), and “Sexy Beasts” forcing all their hot contestants to dress like animals, thus making their hotness irrelevant… unless you like that sort of thing :/ . However, you would be sorely mistaken. ABC has launched a brand new show for its target audience (housewives and college girls) called “The Golden Bachelor”. The innovative concept is taking the most attractive 72-year-old man you’ve ever seen (no, I will not be taking feedback at this time) named Gerry, and making him find his one true love from a group of beautiful women over 60. The main idea is that Gerry is a widow (and boy, will you hear about it) who is looking for love and makes way too many hearing aid jokes in the process. To see if my infatuation with Gerry “The Golden Bachelor” was shared, I took it upon myself to interrogate Brown’s student body about this riveting new show.
One student, Rufus Wrinkleton, said, “You know, at first, I really didn’t get it. But ten minutes into the first episode, Gerry talking about how his wife of 43 years died had me sobbing. It got me thinking about other old people, you know? Like they really do still have feelings. I asked my Lit Arts professor if he would ever go on the Golden Bachelor, and he said he was only 58. But still, you know? That’s so old.” (tears were rolling down Wrinkleton’s face into his Barus and Holley matcha latte, so I politely excused myself).
Another student, Agatha Dustworthy, told me: “In between commercials about combatting shingles and ED (not the fun kind) drugs, I saw real love happening right in front of me. They may have met 48 hours ago, but I know Gerry and Kathy…or was it Edith?…anyways, I just know they’re going to last. I got so inspired that I searched to see if my 75-year-old English professor was married, and it turns out he’s a widow! His wife died in a car accident a couple years back, isn’t that sad?” she said while smiling from ear to ear. I scurried away right as she was pulling up his Rate My Professor to write a thirsty review about his veiny hands.
The final student I spoke to, Maggie Vintage, complained: “I kind of hate how bad I feel for the ladies…like dating shows aren’t supposed to make you feel sympathetic. But drama between old women is kind of sad. It also makes me feel a bit guilty laughing at their fugly dresses. However, Gerry is a capital G GILF, and I just need to be whispering sweet nothings into those hearing aids. He’s changed the way I see my Comp Lit prof and now I can’t stop staring into his dreamy eyes while he talks about Kafka’s spatial and temporal boundaries. His cataracts just make those blue babies pop!”
It appears that “The Golden Bachelor” is the first dating show to unintentionally make young people feel compassion for the elderly. So much wasted money on 2020 COVID campaigns to get young people to stop partying in order to protect immuno-compromised old folks, and all ABC had to do was televise hot old people trying to get it on. Who knew? I do fear for the fates of the old professors on this campus; however, in this economy, a tenured professor sneaky link wouldn’t be too shabby.
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