Yes, you ARE pregnant

Are you three days late for your period? Has the dining hall food been making you sick? Been getting no sleep? Never had a period because you don’t have the anatomy for it? It doesn’t matter. You ARE pregnant.

You know the sickness going around? Cough, sore throat, runny nose…NO, it’s pregnancy. You do not have the common cold; you have the—also common—bun in your oven.

Were you just thinking: ‘Wow! That one zit that’s been bothering me finally went away! Huzzah!’ Well, let me be the first to congratulate you. That zit is gone because it is making way for the baby inside you. Your pregnancy glow looks amazing!

Failed the first test of the semester after doing zero preparation. You obviously knew all the material, but there’s only one explanation: it’s the pregnancy hormones affecting you. Wow, pregnancy can do crazy things.

Speaking of making you do things…Have you worn pink or blue in the last few weeks? Well, not to be upholding the stereotypical colors, but there’s a baby inside you, and it’s telling you what it is. Listen to the baby, and know that everything you do is because you are pregnant.

Are you feeling tired and lethargic because of the rain? Unless Rain is the baby’s name, that’s not the reason. Every small symptom you’ve been feeling, every ache or pain, regardless of your ability to carry a child…it’s because you are pregnant.

After a night of drinking, do you feel bad, maybe a headache? Yeah, that’s not normal. You are pregnant, and the baby inside you is begging you to stop drinking. That terrible feeling, it’s your unborn baby begging: “Please don’t give me fetal alcohol syndrome!” And it’s right. Please don’t give your baby fetal alcohol syndrome.

Are you ever in the Ratty, looking at the pizza, and you are just craving a slice? No explanation needed; only a pregnant person would be that crazy.

No matter what has happened to you in the past few weeks, no matter who you are, you are pregnant. If you’re a virgin, it’s Jesus. If you’re a man, congratulations, you’re a medical marvel. All of you must have sleepwalked over the Pembroke Seal somehow. The point is, if you are reading this and you feel anything at all happening in your body, you are pregnant.