How to Communicate that You’re Gay When You Don’t Know How to Dress
Let an unfashionable, straight-looking lesbian tell YOU how to wear your sexuality on your sleeve (but, like, without actually wearing anything of substance).
Student Whose Phone Went off in “Absolute Quiet Room” Escorted Away by Men in Suits, Now Missing for 7 Days
Last Tuesday, freshman Ann Oing went missing. She was last spotted in the “Absolute Quiet Room” of the John D. Rockefeller library. Witnesses to the...
How to Stay Fed Off Meal Plan
After 3 years of being coddled like a helpless infant, coming off meal plan is truly such a rude awakening. But have no fear! Here...
A Day OFF College Hill
Sidewalks are swarmed, the Main Green is mobbed, and Faunce is filled to the brim. This can only mean one thing: ADOCH. I think I...
A Proposal to Tom Holland
Dear Tom Holland, You don’t know me, but I know you, or at least the “you” you present to the public. Back when I was...
Feeling Too Safe on Campus? Call a Dangerwalk!
With the end of timely warnings following DPS’ exciting arrest of the Orbee Gun Fiend (which I sincerely hope culminated in a high-speed car chase...
An Exposé on the Dark Underbelly of Feline Instagram
Hey everyone, it’s Randal here, or, as some of you may know me, Mittens the Cat from Instagram. Yes, my real name is Randal and...
Girl Talk: I Just Found Out That My Roommate Is Closely Related To Ex-Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. Advice?
First of all, I would like to assure you that this is not an uncommon experience. I'm sure many other readers have discovered that their...
Are They Dying or Are You Crazy?
Jean Claude: Welcome back to Are They Dying or Are You Crazy?, the only game show where we use the plethora of knowledge gathered by...
5 Unique Phrases to Use When You’ve Been Inconvenienced
Have you ever been in a situation where you want to say something that conveys more than just discontent? Have you ever wanted to one-up...