Sidewalks are swarmed, the Main Green is mobbed, and Faunce is filled to the brim. This can only mean one thing: ADOCH. I think I speak for all Brown students when I say it is time for these highschoolers to hit the road! And as much as I’d love to live my Ever Truth and kick these kids to the curb…that wouldn’t be kosher. Instead, I’ve planned a perfect alternative program for our prospective students: A Day Off College Hill.
9am: Swan Point Cemetery
Get the day off to a RIPping start with a walk in one of Providence’s favorite haunts! You may feel a chill down your spine, but we assure you that this is a Brunonian hotspot! A 9am walk among the dead is sure to prepare you for those early morning classes; your future peers will be just as lively!
10am: Roger Williams Zoo
Here’s your chance to encounter the kinds of animals you’ll meet here on College Hill! Prepare for the squawks and screeches of Brown Saturday nights by visiting the aviary, and get ready for your freshman year dorm by taking in the sights and smells of the farmyard! Just like the livestock, you too will call a pigsty your home! And much like the men at Brown, the monkeys will love flinging their shit at you.
12pm: Providence Children’s Museum
Your future philosophy teacher is just dying for you to meet your inner child, so here’s your chance! Make a splash at the museum’s Water Ways exhibit and simulate the inevitable flooding of your freshman dorm! Check out the Innovation Lab and conduct your own experiments; just like Brown’s Biomed center, you’ll be completely unsupervised and left to your own devices. At this stop on the tour, get creative and think outside the (toy) box!
2pm: Rhode Island Capital
A crash course on corruption that will blow your Econ classes away…no really. Learn debate lingo from the experts, and pick up useful phrases like “Just to play Devil’s advocate here” and “I’ll piggyback off what she said”. Study up on scamming and solicitation while you scavenge for future internships. And, whatever you do, deny, deny, deny.
3pm: Providence Place Mall
Prepare for shopping period in this capitalist haven! Much like your first week at Brown, the mall will be impossible to navigate, you’ll have no sense of time, and somehow only eaten an Auntie Anne’s pretzel all day. Trust me, by the end you’ll know how to spot Sayles from a mile away!
5pm: Narragansett Brewing Company
Celebrate happy hour with the Brown crew team at the hottest brewery in town! Get the insider scoop and be sure to ask how these boys row, row, rowed their way to the top of the collegiate food chain. They’d love to tell you all about the perks of their peak athleticism: permanent residency at the Ratty, standing reservations at the Rock, and a complete merch makeover! Ahhh luxury!
7pm: Federal Hill Dinner
For dinner, head to Federal Hill and enjoy a delicious mix of Italian, Japanese, and Mexican cuisines, just like the offerings at Brown’s dining halls! We can’t promise the food will compare to the Ratty Chicken alla Salmonella, but just ask the chef to barely cook your meal and you’ll be close…to food poisoning.
9pm: Waterfire
Finally, enjoy a ceremonial send-off to commemorate a successful day off College Hill! This mildly underwhelming display will prepare you for Brown’s party scene. And much like Brown, there’s no need to plan for after 10 pm…nothing is happening anyway.