Fruitna Riperson ‘26 was spotted in Andrews yesterday feeling up every produce item in the refrigerated shelf centerpiece as though she were perusing a farmer’s market and not, in fact, in a dining hall decorated like a youth hostel.
Witnesses first spotted Riperson sniffing and squeezing some Bartlett pears, desperately searching for an edible one. “I felt like I was walking in on something,” Roz Barry ‘25 told us. “It was incredibly intimate in a way that made me deeply uncomfortable, but also strangely sad.” When prompted, Barry lamented, “She was never going to find what she wanted. Not in Andrews.”
Other witnesses echoed Barry’s sentiments. “The fruit at Andrews hits different,” James Cobbler ‘24, a member of the baseball team, stated, shaking his head. “Sometimes we use the peaches for batting practice, and they don’t even bruise.”
Riperson then moved on to the peaches, according to witness reports. “I think she touched every single peach in the case.” Thomas Atto ‘27 told us. “It felt unnecessary and unsanitary.” Atto added, “And then she started smelling them as if they were mountain air after a rain storm and not just Andrews peaches.”
“We choose our fruit carefully, based on our student’s needs,” Brown Dining Services said in response to The Rib’s request for comment. “For example, our pears are designed to weather being thrown in a backpack and left there, forgotten, for days without rotting.”
15 minutes later, Riperson was seen leaving Andrews with her sandwich and only a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos in hand.