Coachella vs. Spring Weekend
Entrance Coachella – Parks car in parking lot and walks a mile to find the entrance. Prays that the machine will recognize the wristband. Spring...
A Series of Unfortunate Hook-ups: Part II
Two years ago, I spoofed Lemony Snicket’s “Series of Unfortunate Events” for my debut on The Rib by cataloguing the absurd hook-ups that defined my...
Have We Met Before?
Last week I met someone for what felt like the seven-thousandth time. In reality, it was only the fourth or fifth time, which is still enough...
To The One Who Broke My Heart
My Dearest, I hope you are well. It’s been a couple of days since you walked out my shitty Perkins door, and I know you...
Pass(These Damn Exams)over
Well, it’s that time of year again. Your friendly neighborhood Jews are throwing out all their baked goods (protip: Passover is the best time of...
Snapchat is Ruining My Life
I am a typical millennial. I am obsessed with Instagraming artsy pictures of food. I spend more time on my phone during family gatherings than...
The Condemning Concentration
Earlier this week, I received an email that may or may not determine the rest of my path through life. “Congratulations, your concentration has been...
Confessions of a Zillow Addict
I like to think of myself as a financially rational human being. In the future, I envision living in an average-sized home, nothing too showy or...
Ask Me About My Recessive Jaw
Just when I thought all my dental problems were over, another issue arises. Despite the fact that I had braces six times, my teeth, like...
How to Be Gwyneth Paltrow: College Student Edition
by Nicole Martinez Are you a rich, famous, pretentious, attractive individual? Of course you’re not! You’re a bloated college student whose diet consists of Jo’s mozzy sticks,...