Well, it’s that time of year again. Your friendly neighborhood Jews are throwing out all their baked goods (protip: Passover is the best time of year to be a trash rummager), and your friendly neighborhood college students are stressed about their impending finals. Both events come with their own grand set of traditions, but the busy Jewish college student just ain’t got time for all that.
So in the interest of efficiency, I’d like to suggest combining them. Here, for your holiday pleasure, is a college student’s take on the Seder plate:
The Shank Bone
What it represented then: The Passover sacrifice made at the Temple in Jerusalem.
What it represents now: The quality studying time sacrificed at the Temple of Netflix. The class is S/NC but the shows are Now/MustSee.
The Egg
What it represented then: The festival sacrifice made at the Temple in Jerusalem, but also mourning.
What it represents now: All the of sunglasses and snapbacks lost at Spring Weekend. RIP, y’all.
The Charoset
What it represented then: The mortar that held together the bricks of Jewish huts in Egypt.
What it represents now: The knowledge that summer is right around the corner, which is the only thing keeping us together. We’ll get through this. We’ll be fine. Plus, it’s made out of honey, which is sweet like the taste of freedom we’re about to experience.
The Vegetable
What it represented then: Traditionally dipped in salt water, it represents the food the Jews ate as slaves in Egypt, and the tears they cried into said food.
What it represents now: The struggle to either budget out your few remaining meal credits or find a way to use the dozens you have left all up. There is no middle ground. Also, tears.
The Lettuce
What it represented then: The bitterness and hardship the Jews suffered as slaves in Egypt.
What it represents now: Finals in project-based classes. Papers? Yuck. Presentations? Yuck. Hands-on assignments that give you experience that’s more applicable to the real world than anything else you’ve done for school? Yuck.
The Bitter Herbs
What they represented then: Also the bitterness and hardship the Jews suffered as slaves in Egypt.
What they represent now: Finals in exam-based classes. You really can’t win here.