Here at The Rib, we know that Halloween can be a stressful time. You’re probably asking yourself questions like, what kind of candy will I buy? How many bags of KitKats are enough? Is there such a thing as “too many” KitKats? But, if you’re like me, one question is stuck in your mind: How can I aggressively assert my intellectual superiority and quick wit through a costume??
Thankfully, we’re here to help. Here are some ideas for costumes that are just the right amount of topical, quirky, and, most importantly, very obnoxious.
- Gerrymandering. This easy-peasy costume will have people asking, “How did you come up with this? Wait… what are you again? Ellie– are you alright?”
The look: Take an old white shirt and absolutely cover it in lines– some red, some blue, it doesn’t matter! Make that shit look like a Pollock… or Kentucky.
- Two State Solution. Have you ever wanted to make people feel like they don’t know enough about a subject? Even if you probably know only three more facts than they do? Maybe, you dream of Halloween raves spent intensely discussing politics with people who all think they’re right? This costume will give you all that and more!
The look: Take a brownish/greenish/yellowish sweater (fertile crescent colors– you know the vibe) and draw a slightly jagged line down the center with black tape. Boom. Enjoy a night of feeling like the expert you are not and never will be!
- Freudian Democracy*. This very simple costume will make anyone you engage with feel absolutely and entirely intellectually inferior. They also will probably stop liking you.
The Look: Wear all black. Freud never had a theory of democracy, idiot.
* Could also be: Marxist Fishing, Kantian Tectonics, etc.
- Roe vs. Wade. This one made me Liberal-Mom-Facebook famous, so, if you’re a clout chaser and want to impress middle-aged, pussy-hat-wearing moms, this is the choice for you. Ideally, this is a couple’s costume.
The look: One person holds an oar (ROW), and the other wears rain boots (WADErs). Boom. Punny, topical, and oh so sexy!
- Mail-In-Ballot. How timely! How quirky! This easy costume will both impress, and make anyone you encounter suddenly wildly stressed!
The Look: Take a white shirt and draw a simple ballot. Dress like a Man. You are now a Male-In-Ballot, congratulations! Don’t get mysteriously abducted by any Republicans tonight 😉
6. Unprecedented Times. This costume WILL make people smash their heads into walls, scream blood-curdling screams, and perhaps be inspired to commit homicide. That being said… it’s clever.
The Look: You could take this one in many directions, but our recommendation is to dress like Nixon, as he was… un-presidented. We understand that not everyone has Nixon-esque apparel laying around, so a simple President head cutout with a red line through it and a clock should be enough!
Halloween can be stressful, but with these easy costumes, you can start focusing on the bigger stuff! Like, your niece’s Arctic Methane costume, or how to make sure your friends are listening to ALL of your 90-minute podcast about Swedish Cinematic techniques.
Legendary
Very good advice!! And not just for Halloween!!