Following months of mysterious sounds, power outages, and inexplicably rearranged objects plaguing her off-campus apartment, Sarah Sullivan ‘22 received confirmation from a local exterminator that her residence is not infested with mice. However, the exterminator, who works as an exorcist on the weekends, did discover that a demonic presence has tethered itself to her apartment.
“Honestly, I’m really glad that it’s just a ghost,” explained Sullivan. “I of course run the risk of becoming the poltergeist’s next host, but I already have experience with hosting entities that feed off of my fear; some micro-influencers from New York City came over for Bachelorette Tuesday last week. So, I’m not too worried about that.”
While searching for rodent nests in a bedroom closet, the exterminator-turned-exorcist discovered the extradimensional portal that the poltergeist used to enter the student’s apartment. Upon learning about the existence of a supernatural gateway in her room, Sullivan promptly issued an apology to her roommate, whom she accused of stealing her favorite fracket a month ago.
During his investigation, the exterminator also learned that the poltergeist identifies as genderless, which is why it chose to haunt students at Brown over Notre Dame. The revelation provided tremendous relief for the students, as they were already getting ghosted by men on Tinder and didn’t need more toxic male energy in their lives.
While the poltergeist invasion presents fewer problems than a rodent infestation, Sullivan and her housemates still face challenges as they adjust to life with a residential demon. Last week, the cohabitants broke into an argument after the poltergeist took up the entire top shelf of the refrigerator with its jars of virgin blood.
“I know that demons aren’t used to sharing spaces––their only job is to possess whole human bodies, after all––but I still expected better refrigerator manners from the poltergeist,” said Sullivan, “Especially because I lent it my ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning for its mutilated goat dinner last week.”
After a long discussion and considerable compromise, the group decided that the demon could use the entire top shelf of the refrigerator as long as the girls receive full access to the supply of virgin blood, as they saw on TikTok that Kris Jenner uses it as a facial toner to rejuvenate her skin. “It’s why the Kardashians keep having kids,” added Sullivan.
Unfortunately, the housemates also struggle with communication on a linguistic level, as the poltergeist can only express itself through ancient tongues. “Every night, I find a message written in the steam on our bathroom mirror,” explained Sullivan, “I wish I could read it, but I dropped ‘Intro to Latin’ after learning that the course material didn’t cover Enrique Iglesias.”
Despite the challenges, the students still view their relationship with the poltergeist as a positive one. In fact, since their semesters abroad ended prematurely last year, Sullivan and her roommates have used this opportunity to engage with a new culture. “Yesterday, we compared our worship of Instagram to its worship of the pentagram,” recounted Sullivan, who now hangs out with some witches from RISD. “We realized that both rituals require perfect lighting and human sacrifice!”
The arrival of the poltergeist has also inspired the students to investigate their physical surroundings more thoroughly. “I did some digging––literally––and discovered that our apartment is built on an ancient cemetery, which makes sense because Brown loves displacing Native Americans,” said Sullivan. Although the roommates scored a great deal on the place, they figured that the long walk to Whole Foods prompted the price, not the apartment’s location on a burial ground.
When asked to comment on renting haunted spaces to undergraduate students, the landlord continued to stare at the wall in front of her and muttered that “The time is nigh.”
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