Wawaweewa! Today at noon, Brown tested its emergency siren system with a ten-minute warning prior to its sounding. Across the campus, students perked up at the idea that finally, this shitstorm we call ‘living’ was coming to a fiery end– however, some had qualms with the nature of the alert.
“It was terrifying!” said sophomore Jackson Ellis, “It felt so Hunger-Games-esque, they must have infringed some copyright laws. I half expected to volunteer as tribute.” Ellis wasn’t alone in his criticism, with other students taking issue with the voice that accompanied the siren.
“The voice? He sounded a little too fratty for my tastes,” reported Maya Crenshaw ’21. “Telling me ‘not to worry’ while literal alarm bells are ringing? It was like I was being gaslighted by a lacrosse player all over again.”
Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy, Russell Carey, heard the students’ feedback loud and clear, and has promised to change the nature of the alarm system going ahead. “Now, in the event of an emergency,” he stated, “‘Fire Burning’ by Sean Kingston will sound across the campus, at which time students will be encouraged to boogie into their bunkers.” Carey went on to explain the further changes, “We understand the voice accompanying the siren was also cause for concern. We have since hired a Borat impersonator to take on the role, to put our community at ease. Great success! This will greatly strengthen Brown’s relationship with the Kazakh National University. Jagshemash.”
At press time, calls of “world is ending, very nice!” were heard echoing around campus.