So here it goes. I think through a phenomenal story. I try to execute it, but then BOOM! Something supposedly more interesting than my unfinished suspenseful joke comes along.
Typically, conversations with my friends go like this: someone tries to tell a story, says something odd, interesting or mispronounces something, and then another person makes a witty joke, then everyone goes on with the joke until the original story is forgotten.
Let me give an example:
Me: “I had the worst time doing research participation today. I was alone in this small room and then–”
Person 1: “Oh my god they locked you in a small room??”
Person 2: “Like a prison???”
Person 3: “Was there a little slot for them to give you food?”
Person 1: “Did you dig a tunnel to escape like in that one movie??”
Person 2: “My mom is in prison.”
And then my original story is gone. Forgotten. To be the bold, assertive person I am…
Me: “Ok guys shut up and let me finish my story!”
Person 1: “Oh right sorry…what happened?”
Me: “Ok so for the participation I had to choose which color was on the screen and…”
Person 2: “What color??? I’m color blind hahaha!!!”
Let me get through this story without adding humorous asides or so help me god. Someone get me a shot of tequila to help me through this hellhole.
So anyway, I’ve tried to just force everyone to listen to the rest of my story. Like, I’ll roll my eyes and pretend I need to clear my throat whenever I’m interrupted, hoping my subtle passive-aggressive tendencies will get me the attention I need. But that never works.
Here’s what happens:
Me: “Speaking of swings, when I was little I had a babysitter who–”
Person 1: “Ohh. My. God. You had a babysitter?! Was he hot???”
Person 2: “Why do you assume he’s a he? What if she’s a she??”
Oh god, here it goes again. The interruptions. Ok, just talk over everyone and finish your story.
Me: “OKAY CAN EVERYBODY SHUT UP SO I CAN FINISH?”
Person 1: “Geez, someone needs to go to anger management? But yeah whatever finish the story.”
But now I don’t want to share the story because the moment is gone. People don’t want to listen to me anymore because I *subtly* forced them to. Pour a bucket of water on me because I am burning in literal hell right now.
To fit in with my friends I’ve tried to play along, making hilarious similes and jokes for them to go off of. But those get interrupted too!
It usually goes something like this:
Person 1: “The other day I say this adorable dog when I was on a run–”
Person 2: “Nice you should’ve just followed and kidnapped the dog and took him home!”
Me, trying to add to the cutesy bit that was going on, would say something like:
“Ha, good one, Person 2! The dog probably would’ve peed cause I know that my dogs pee when they get excited so that dog probably would’ve–”
Person 3: “See this is why cats are better they don’t pee when they feel emotions.”
Person 1: “Cats don’t have emotions.”
Person 2: “Anyway, what were you saying about the dog?”
Wow, now people want to hear the rest of a story! It’s not like it’ll be that interesting.
Person 1: “So I was just thinking about the dog so much I didn’t even realize I ran all the way to Massachusetts! And get this: on my way back I ran into CPAX! Isn’t that so funny??”
Person 2: “Nice, you should’ve asked for her autograph.”
For the love of god who cares obviously she will be seen it’s not like places in New England are super far from each other. I mean, I could be from upstate Vermont and technically say I’m from outside Boston!
So then I realized that I am trapped in my seventh circle of hell, which is the repeated experience of not being able to get through a story without your friends jokeifying it and then not being able to interrupt their jokeifying without being a jerk…ifyer.
If anyone, literally anyone, knows how to escape this, please give me a call here in hell. You know the number.
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