September 6, 2019
Dear Diary,
Sophomore year is off to a great start. Shopping period is super overwhelming but I’m also so grateful for it. Some of my friends at other colleges are now enrolled in classes they regret having signed up for last year. Luckily for me, as a Brown student I get to not know which classes I am taking for sure until one month into the school year. Such a relief!
Anyway, Jane** and I each shopped 6 classes today, and so we were pretty spent by the time 2pm rolled around. We got a late lunch at the Ratty for our first meal of the day. They were serving pizza with wedges of iceberg lettuce on top, as well as clam mac n’ cheese. Obviously, I opted for a nice bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch instead.
Something I really appreciate about the Ratty is that it has cereal at any hour of the day. And not just Cheerios or some bullshit like that. SUGAR cereal. Mom would probably die if she saw the cereal they have at this school. The selection is honestly incredible.
Okay I gotta go write a paper for my Gender Studies class. Bye for now!
September 13, 2019
Dear Diary,
I’ve been eating a lot of cereal here. There’s just so many CHOICES. I feel like if mom had let me had sugar cereal as a kid, even just a little bit, then I wouldn’t be so excited about it here at school.
Oh well. It’s not like I eat it constantly. It’s just that the other food at the Ratty kind of sucks and I need to eat SOMETHING.
Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.
September 17, 2019
Dear Diary,
Shopping period is over and I have decided on all my classes finally. The workload has become pretty intense. Somehow midterms are already upon us. Haven’t I been at school for like only a week?
I’m definitely eating a lot of Lucky Charms lately, but it’s only because sorting the marshmallows from the cereal is a lot more fun than sorting out my life.
Can’t write much else because I’m pretty busy right now. Justin** and Kaitlyn** are coming over to do work a little bit later.
September 22, 2019
School is exhausting. Basically the only thing that motivates me to get out of bed in the morning is the prospect of a bowl of cereal, first in my room, and then at the Ratty. In all honesty, I really can’t stop at just two bowls though, and I usually end up eating three or four in my room before going to the Ratty for some variation. This results in me being 30 or 40 minutes late to class, which is basically all, so I usually just skip my first class of the day. I’m like 90% sure that attendance doesn’t even count towards our grade.
September 28, 2019
Okay rant time. This school is SO annoying!!!! Apparently I’m “not allowed” back in any of the dining halls because it is “against University policy” to bring backpacks and fill them with cereal from the dispensers. Excuse me! I am paying HOW much money on meal plan?! And it’s not like I am eating meat or the expensive stuff that I pre paid for! I’m just trying to get my money’s worth of cereal! But apparently you’re only allowed to eat dining hall food IN the dining hall, and if you take it outside it’s considered “stolen.” Rude.
My friends are kind of pissed off at me. They said it is “embarrassing” to be my friend and that if I want to start hanging out with them again I need to “go to CAPS and get some professional help.”
Well, who needs them? And who needs the dining halls anyway? I can just buy more cereal at the campus store and keep it in my dorm. At least there I won’t get weird looks when I reach for my 17th bowl.
October 1, 2019
Diary–
Now that I am officially kicked out of the dining halls I have resorted to buying all my own cereal. I have already blown through all my meal credits and points at the campus store, and my parents won’t give me any money because they’re pretty pissed, so I’m digging into my Bat Mitzvah savings. Luckily grandma and grandpa were very generous with their check, and I should have enough money to fund my habits for months to come!
October 6, 2019
Dear Diary,
I’m officially out of Bat Mitzvah money. I am going to start selling my clothes on DePop and Brown University Buying and Selling Facebook page so that I can keep funding my lifestyle.
I’m ready to admit that I might have an issue. I haven’t gone to classes in like three weeks because my Professors won’t let me eat cereal there, and I’m worried I might fail out of school.
October 10, 2019.
Hey Diary,
Kind of in a bad mood today. Got my midterms back. A 32%, a 41%, a 64%, and a 0% To be fair, I didn’t show up for that one. I was cutting cereal coupons from the Brown Daily Herald. Limited time offer and all.
On the bright side, my clothes have sold super well (I always knew I had great taste), and I have plenty of funding currently for more cereal.
The Campus Store banned me, but it’s fine. They didn’t have great offerings. Off to Whole Foods!
October 14, 2019
Dear Diary,
I only have one shirt left. It’s the one with the picture of Captain Crunch on it. This addiction, yes, I’ll admit, I have an ADDICTION, must end. The issue isn’t even that I like the flavor of the cereal anymore. It is so beyond that. My body craves it. I can’t function without it. This needs to stop.
At this point, 100% of my daily intake is cereal. I know this is not healthy, and that a diet needs variation. I also know that one bowl of sugar cereal basically has all of the recommended sugar for one day, and that means that on a daily basis, with my average of 32.5 bowls, I am at nearly 3,250% of the recommended daily value.
Help!
*Excerpts from diary edited for clarity and length
**All names changed to protect the privacy of the author of these journal entries, who is definitely not the author of this article, so stop asking. Seriously.