Do you ever find yourself wondering what lies beneath the surface? Is there more to you than meets the eye? Looking to access some deeper part of yourself? If you found yourself attempt to answer a defeated “yes” to any of these semi-rhetorical questions, you might be due for a colonoscopy.
Self-discovery and realization are all the rage these days, but mainstream self-help books are going about it all wrong. There’s only one true way to get in touch with (or just to touch) your most inner self, so here’s a step-by-step guide to make it happen:
- You’ll first need to create a strong sense of medical necessity… (They don’t just go around scoping out any old Joe who asks for a peek!) Getting a colonoscopy in this economy… Well, it’s like they say, “colonoscopies don’t grow on trees!” The easiest way to do this is by developing some sort of gut infection that presents equal parts mysterious and severe… My lifestyle lent itself particularly well to this step, as I have a strong aversion to washing fresh fruit as well as a marked propensity for abrasive foods.
- Following the initial establishment of this medical malady, begin dropping subtle hints about your condition. Find opportunities to cancel social engagements in the name of “digestive troubles” or “an upset stomach.” The second you mention something bowel-adjacent, whatever conversation you may be having will surely end at the next possible interval. Once you’ve been lightly ostracized from polite society, you will be able to spend more time alone pondering the inevitable linkages between your inner self and your inner self.
- Now that you’ve taken care of your public perception as someone who is ‘intestinally infirm,’ you’re ready to make first contact with a medical care provider. This is a delicate dance as you’ll need to walk the line between just-sick-enough-that-you-require-extensive-medical-testing and so-sick-that-you-might-be-asked-to-leave-your-semester-abroad. But, if done correctly, you’ll be well on you way to some extra-intestinal exploration.
- The doctor will likely take you through a series of disappointingly pedestrian tests, but good things come to girls who wait… and you will… with baited breath… until your doctor throws up her hands and says with a societally instilled rage, “All the tests have come back negative!” You’re so close to the finish line that you begin hearing soft whispers of self-realization wafting from your nethers.
- Now that you’ve established yourself as a medical mystery (although you know exactly what’s going on, you sly minx)… It’s important to make it seem like you want to avoid the coveted colonoscopial experience… If you seem too eager, your doctor might begin to suspect that you’ve learned the truth that every colonoscopy recipient knows: gaining access to footage of your colonic tissue is the only sure way to access your deepest self.
- Finally, the day has come… you are ready to witness a glorious collision of the medical and mythical. Something I might have mentioned sooner is that the means to the end, your end, might be characterized as wholly unpleasant; if self-discovery were easy, everyone would do it! But you, you fine amazonian princess, you will power through the unpleasantries so that you may fully realize the linkages of your inner and outer self!
- Woah… not sure what happened there, but things just went black for a moment… you’re back in the waiting room with your mom and wearing a devastatingly fashionable blue gown whose only design flaw (or special feature) is a gaping flap at your rear. It seems that your inner self is now being shared with a larger audience than anticipated.
- The hospital staff rushes back into the room to share a shocking piece of news: during the procedure, a small but confident voice emanating from the large bowel was heard repeating the phrase, “The reason you’re afraid of commitment is because you think that once someone gets to know you, they’ll realize you’re not as complex as you seem and then they’ll leave you for another.” Wow! A pain in the ass and a kick in the guts!
- Success! It hasn’t been a particularly easy or dignified journey, but you prevailed! And, only a small team of medical technicians now knows your deepest fear, along with the shading of your intestinal lining.
Sometimes, the things we discover about ourselves are surprising, or even foster just cause for medical concern. But, it’s important to continue to engage in new methods of self exploration, even if they require a team of medical professionals to anesthetize you and stream live footage of your most intimate tissues onto an elevated hospital monitor.
Thank you for reading and remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts… Your inside, that is 😉
Image by Sindura Sriram