Congratulations! The admissions team has evaluated your application holistically (except for the part where you listed every one of your family members who also went here) and decided that you deserve a place at Brown!
Spend the next few months revelling in your glory, watching soul-crushing videos of people getting rejected from the college they had all their hopes and dreams pinned on (I would be more sympathetic, but they did put it on YouTube, so I guess it’s fair game?), and carefully formulating an introductory post on Facebook that you’ll regret the second you step foot on campus. Prepare to see many a nauseating Instagram story, claiming that centuries-old institutions ‘aReN’t ReAdY’ for the very ordinary people they’ve just accepted.
In between wasting your time on the above, it’s imperative that you truly prepare yourself for the next four (.5/.75/.023567291) years at Brown, and what better place to learn than The Rib? Read on if you dare.
Tip 1:
If you are housed in New Pembroke, start coming up with excuses not to be. Does the constant noise from Thayer make your precious head hurt? Does being away from your dear friends in Keeney make you feel isolated? HAM. IT. UP. Get your therapist and a team of lawyers involved if you must. There is no such thing as ‘going too far’ when trying to have yourself removed from the hovel that is New Pem.
If, God forbid, you are placed in Perkins, convert religions (because whoever’s ‘got your back’ at the moment is doing a horrendous job) and start looking into your transfer options asap.
Tip 2:
Invest in a lamp. If you keep your overhead light on, I will assume that you are a serial killer and probably won’t be far off base. Also, those lights do absolutely nothing for any complexion. Every time you look in the mirror, you’ll see a jaundiced orphan from Victorian England staring back, which I can confirm is an incredibly sobering experience.
Tip 3:
Take everything on Dear Blueno with a generous heap of salt. Dear Blueno is – for the most part – a festering cesspit of hatred and rage. Do not take any of it seriously and, for the love of God, do not engage in discourse in the comment section. Happily, the page has been shut down by Facebook, but I am confident its grand return is imminent and will be horrible.
Tip 4:
Don’t take ‘Principles of Economics’ as an upperclassman unless you want to be labelled a paedophile.
Tip 5:
Revel in the Open Curriculum. When you think about it for long enough (aka 30 seconds), the Open Curriculum is an absurd educational model. You can take whatever you want! With no requirements! I have not done addition in 2 years, and I am a far better person for it. You can be on the brink of failing all four classes every semester and – based on choices you can reasonably make – it simply does not have to matter. Go Bruno!
Now go forth, little freshmen, and enjoy an illustrious college career. Props to Brown for another successful year of admitting the children of the rich and famous and then filling the rest of the class with the afterthoughts (people who actually wrote their own essays). The joy of education truly knows no bounds!
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