Every Brown student is a unique flower that adds to the blossoming garden that is Brown. Coming from over a hundred countries and concentrating in over 90 things (source: trust me), Brown is a place where the world’s best and brightest learn how they, as individuals, can make a difference.
That was me when I lie. Though I hate to be the bearer of bad news, all of you can be boiled down to pretty simple archetypes. Using Greta Gerwig’s smash hit Barbie movie as the lens for my analysis, here are the different Barbies and Kens you can find roaming around campus.
Cig Barbie
This Barbie thinks she’s the main character and she’s right! Who else would smoke a cig on the Main Green at 11 a.m. and look flawless doing it? And no, you don’t have COVID or the Keeney Kough, you just smoke 3 packs a day, girl! Not included: a superiority complex over vapers (fruity flavors? smoke actual tobacco like an adult) and a concerning amount of Lana Del Rey in her Spotify wrapped.
SciLi Barbie
This Barbie hasn’t felt awake in years! Running on three hours of sleep and a dream, she hasn’t seen the sun in days. Not included: TikTok breaks (she deserves it) and humble brags to her friends about how she’s taking five classes. Did she mention they’re for a grade, too? Now please stop talking, we’re in the 0-decibel area!
Tinder Ken
This Ken thinks you’re “super cool” even though he hasn’t asked you a single question about yourself! Not included: 30 seconds of fingering before he calls it a day and no name in your phone contacts (obviously).
Barus & Holley Barbie
This Barbie has never taken a STEM class but can be found at the engineering café nearly every day! Her flex points will be gone sooner than you can say “literary arts”. Not included: better fits than anyone in the B&H lobby and a mild god complex every time she orders a chai latté.
Humanities Seminar Ken
So piggybacking off of what you just said, this Ken totally agrees with you! Has he done the reading? Certainly not. Will he quote Derrida? Most definitely. Not included: a worn Moleskine notebook and snaps of agreement whenever he hears the word “capitalism.”
Cocaine Ken
This Ken is going skiing this weekend, and he’s not talking about the Vermont slopes! There has never been a Brown party in the history of this university that has truly merited the doing of a line, but he’s not letting that stop him! Not included: claims that “last night was a movie fr” and drunk texting all his exes.
Stoner Ken
This Ken can quit literally any time he wants! Weed is not addictive. The science (a TikTok he saw a few weeks ago) literally said so. He’ll probably do a T break next week (he won’t). Not included: a shitty bong from City Smoke Shop and a thousand-yard stare.
Freshman Party Barbie
This Barbie wants to know what the move tn is fr! She can frequently be found wandering Thayer in a crop top and shorts but she’s not cold because it’s basically still summer. Not included: an alc plug that greatly overcharges her and a rehearsed nonchalance about the move tn.
Venmo Ken
This Ken wants you to Venmo him back for using one of his trash bags and yeah, he’s not kidding! Is his Dad one of the wealthiest men in the state of Colorado? Yes, but that doesn’t matter to Venmo Ken. Not included: $1000 sitting in his Venmo waiting to be transferred and a ridiculously high monthly allowance from his parents. I mean, how does somebody even spend that much money in Providence, Rhode Island?
Darty Barbie
This Barbie is already hungover and it’s not even 5pm! She can be found wandering the Ratty at 4:30pm in a cute crop top trying to rally for tonight with some bowling alley-esque pizza. Not included: a 2 p.m. pregame and a borg with something on it that nobody will read. (“Borg to die?” Lana would disown you if she saw that and I assure you that no one on Men’s Crew is familiar with the work of Ms. Del Rey.)
S/NC Ken
This Ken is liberal with that “change grade option” button and he’s happier than you’ll ever be! Taking all of his classes S/NC this semester, the words “employment” and “life after Brown” don’t frighten him in the slightest. Not included: a transcript that employers will never understand and a carefree whimsy that you wish you had. No amount of crystals will give you the trust in the universe that S/NC Ken has.
Hot TA Barbie
This Barbie is the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen in your 19 years of existence! Unfortunately they are a) your TA b) a millennial and c) responsible for grading your papers. Have we mentioned that they’re your TA? Not included: a comment on your essay so supportive it makes you delusional enough to come to section.
Rib Barbie
This Barbie is perfect! No notes 🙂