With Valentine’s Day approaching far more quickly than a single gal would like to acknowledge, I decided the logical choice would be to hop on the bandwagon and sign up for our generation’s most popular hookup app dating service for long-lasting relationships.
I present to you the sociological report of my experiences, the comprehensive list of all of the reasons there are to hide under my covers with a king-size package of Twizzlers and a Netflix subscription, giving up on the opposite sex forever swipe left.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #931: Culinary sophistication beyond what you’re accustomed to. 
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #1221: Lack of artistic promise 
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #8788: Tragically tiny penis
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #042: Bedroom eyes that are just too seductive 
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #331: Steampunk hairdo/glasses/piercing/beard that you’ll never be able to measure up to.
RESON TO SWIPE LEFT #1119: Because he’ll have to leave your date early to go take care of his super cool baby.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #401: He’s busy posing for his Irish rap duo album cover.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #1: He’ll always be comparing you to his significant other who he’s clearly still in a relationship and looks pretty happy with.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #1 (subset a): ditto his wife. 
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #890: He’s a character in a film noir.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #246: You can’t tell whether he’s a furniture salesman, discount suit model, or mafia hitman,
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #11: Facial hair that could serve as evidence for an insanity plea in a court of law.
REASON TO SWIPE LEFT #409: Taking a picture with an iPad. Who does that, amirite? Clearly this guy is a swipe left, I mean no redeeming qualities here, just complete disappointment. I can’t even stand looking at this picture anymore because he took it on an iPad, especially not for a few hours. I’ll just be daydreaming about taking this guy home and teaching him all about photocomposition.
