People are so stupid. So unbelievably dumb. Sometimes I wish I could move into a cave in the middle of nowhere and tune out all the ridiculous, purely American bullshit that we see every day. But I can’t do that. It’s my job to write about ridiculous, purely American bullshit. That, and there is definitely no wifi in a cave.
This week, in “Wow, how the fuck did that happen?” we have the brutally honest, revealing, and awe-inspiring story of a woman who took one too many hits of something and burst into a Subway in Anchorage, Alaska (and y’all already know how much I love Subway). What happened next will shock you.
The woman, who was apparently high as balls on something known as “Spice,” entered a Subway restaurant at approximately 5 pm. She proceeded immediately to the bathroom within the restaurant, where she stayed for two hours. After she had been in the bathroom for two hours and no one had a. noticed or b. called the police, she emerged completely naked and went on a rampage around the Subway. She was throwing food, turning over tables, and generally wrecking the place. By the time the police arrived, the Subway looked like this:
First of all, is that smoke? Did she set something on fire? Or was she simply a flaming mass of clothes and hair when she emerged from the restroom, like Hades in Disney’s classic Hercules?
Second: REALLY?!?
Come on, lady, seriously? Did you lay your schedule out and say: “Okay, it’s Tuesday night, perfect night to get high, rip all my clothes off, and desecrate the holiest of fast food restaurants, Subway?” Subway deserves a little more respect than that, I think. Couldn’t you have trashed an Arby’s? I just don’t understand. What about Subway makes you so angry that you have to destroy the place? Maybe Fritos really whip you into a frenzy, but they don’t bother me that much (they’re sort of good, actually). Maybe you had a subpar mini-pizza a few weeks ago, but come on, why would you get pizza from Subway in the first place? Maybe Jared Fogle outrages you (as he should) but why do you need to take that out on the poor, innocent souls who only work at Subway because they need a job?
She was so incensed that she managed to rip the ceiling tiles OUT OF THE CEILING. Hello??? What the FUCK?
But wait, let’s return to the people who were working at this ill-fated Subway on that night.
Guys, what happened here? This woman must have been looking pretty rough from the start. So there’s your first red flag. She immediately rushes past you and says nothing before locking herself in the bathroom. Okay, red flag number two. You go about your night, making sandwiches and smelling like lunchmeat. But somewhere in the night you must realize that the lady in the bathroom has not come out yet. BIG RED FLAG NUMBER THREE. Yeah, maybe she’s taking a shit, but who takes a shit for two hours? Why didn’t you call the police after, say, an hour and a half? Did you think to knock and check on her? Did you knock and hear alternating growling and weeping noises? Why did it take a woman removing all of her clothing, tearing your shit up, and possibly threatening you with harm for you to call the police? Do you really care that little? This is how I’m imagining a potential conversation going:
Subway Worker 1: Hm, my judgment isn’t always that sharp, but that woman has been in the restroom for an awfully long time.
Subway Worker 2: But of course, we don’t want to interrupt her, especially if she’s having lady troubles.
Subway Worker 1: That’s true. Periods and women’s bodies are mighty scary.
Subway Worker 2: Maybe she’s having a baby in there.
Woman: RRAAAAARDDLE YAAARG I’M GOING TO WRECK YOUR SHIT AND THEN ORDER A TUNA HOAGIE WITH A SIDE OF YOUR SOUL!
Subway Worker 1: Definitely on her period. The enigma of the female form.
On a more serious note (read: skip this if you want to walk away from this saying, “ha ha! funny!”), the most obscene part of this entire ordeal is that this woman, who obviously has some sort of drug problem and needs help, will be instead inserted into our fucked up criminal justice system, where she will not be given the treatment nor the respect that she deserves as a human being, further allowing the vicious cycle of the American drug war/prison pipeline to keep on spinnin’. Fuck that.
