PROVIDENCE, R.I. – With a whopping 24 vote lead, the bombastic @brownumemes has snagged the role of UCS President for the upcoming school year. We at The Rib feel like we’ve seen this film before (and we didn’t like the ending), so we had some reporters take to the streets to see what students are thinking the morning after.
“He was the only name I recognized, to be honest,” said Megan Markleson, a hot, posh junior from the illustrious Upper East Side. “Everyone else on the ballot has to get their names out there next time – politics aside, I really cannot be seen voting for anyone without a social media platform. @Brownumemes only has 10K followers but it had to do, comparatively.”
“I voted for @brownumemes as a fuck you to UCS,” said a man in an unbuttoned floral short sleeve and black raybans, sauntering out of the Blue Room. “They don’t do anything; why not have a meme account owner running shit?”
“Chas is a really chill guy,” says David L. Ratty, whose great-grandparents definitely did not fund our beloved Refectory. “Besides, I think white cishet hedgefundbaby men are underrepresented on Brown’s campus nowadays. I want to see myself in our student government, not just in our banned frats and our underground frats and our sports teams and our Title IX defendants and our econ sections. We deserve a voice in office.”
“Wait… voting for UCS already happened?” said a group of confused freshmen in response to Rib-quisitions under the Faunce arch. “We literally have just been trying to figure out where we’re gonna sleep next year, when the fuck did this go down?” I guess we can assume ResLife, the only campus body more infamous than UCS, is to blame for our 30% voter turnout this year.
Name recognition… A way to stick it to the man… White male fragility… Too distracted by other crises to vote? All of this feels way too reminiscent of the 2016 Presidential election – a big-name star appealing to the masses, a taste of something new and different from the normal nothingness that is our governing bodies, all the while having no past experience except his brand name. I guess even political systems as small and arguably insignificant as Brown’s Undergraduate Student Council are not safe from the insidious pull populist political movements have on people.
Anyways, follow The Rib on Parlor! That seems where we’re headed.
Image via. The Rib Editors