My Butt Touched the Shower Wall, So I’m in the Market for a New Butt
I thought it would never happen to me. I’ve always been so careful, tirelessly testing my depth perception, begging friends to play catch to enhance...
The Mill-Oedipal Complex
If there are two things I’ve learned in this life, it’s that 1) drinking more water solves all of life’s problems and 2) talking about...
My Third Roommate is the U.S. Government
All great relationships mirror that of a whirlwind romance. At first, it feels as if you might have a crush. You think, “Hey, this person...
Rules for Brown 2021 Because I’m Your Mom Now
Welcome to Brown, Class of 2021. By now, you’ve probably slurped vodka from a ladle on the roof of Metcalf, slept through your 3 P.M.,...
Jo’s: The Makeover Edition
I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many...
On Orthodontia
I did a lot of hard, scary things this summer. A list of examples: performed stand-up comedy at a club full of people on the...
Rain, Rain, Get The Fuck Outta Here
Rain and I have a love-hate relationship, and by that I mean that I hate it and it clearly loves me so much it wants...
The Best $200 I Ever Spent
Not long ago, in a land not far from here, I held a waitressing position at an outdoor establishment. I worked long and hard through...
The Fleeting Nature of Love and Weather Protective Gear
It was early September. I was caught between a rock and a hard place—the rock being a mom loudly debating the redeeming qualities of two...
On the Brink of the Real World
I’m not sure if I’m just perpetually PMS-ing, but I’ve been extremely sentimental recently. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I spent a whole...