Meat, My Cruel Mistress
For the past three years at Brown, I have been at the whim of the campus meats. I salivated over egg and bacon sandwiches at...
Are You There Empire State Building? It’s Me, Abby
Like Margaret did to God, I asked the Empire State Building a lot of questions this summer. Unlike Margaret, these questions didn’t revolve around puberty....
The Rib’s Tomatoes: A Gal’s Guide To This Summer’s Box Office Hits
Hey everyone, it’s me, your local movie critic, your rag time gal, here to help you out with a pop culture pickle. Did you watch...
My Butt Touched the Shower Wall, So I’m in the Market for a New Butt
I thought it would never happen to me. I’ve always been so careful, tirelessly testing my depth perception, begging friends to play catch to enhance...
The Mill-Oedipal Complex
If there are two things I’ve learned in this life, it’s that 1) drinking more water solves all of life’s problems and 2) talking about...
My Third Roommate is the U.S. Government
All great relationships mirror that of a whirlwind romance. At first, it feels as if you might have a crush. You think, “Hey, this person...
Rules for Brown 2021 Because I’m Your Mom Now
Welcome to Brown, Class of 2021. By now, you’ve probably slurped vodka from a ladle on the roof of Metcalf, slept through your 3 P.M.,...
Jo’s: The Makeover Edition
I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many...
On Orthodontia
I did a lot of hard, scary things this summer. A list of examples: performed stand-up comedy at a club full of people on the...
Rain, Rain, Get The Fuck Outta Here
Rain and I have a love-hate relationship, and by that I mean that I hate it and it clearly loves me so much it wants...