College is hard. Sometimes you just need to lie horizontally on a bed and eat your bodyweight in Skittles. Sometimes you just need to find the 17 minutes someone’s not doing the Caswell bathroom challenge and have yourself a little spa day. Self-care, you know?
And like, spas have candles, right? Right? I can’t really afford one at the moment, given that my Netflix subscription has been renewed for the sole purpose of watching Love is Blind. Nevertheless, ultra-committed to my own indulgence, I set out to buy one.
It’s Women’s History Month and Sheryl Sandberg probably tells us to manifest (?) Like I said, college is hard, please don’t fact check me. Either way, I wanted to manifest some boss bitch energy, and who’s the bossest bitch we know? That’s right kids, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth Paltrow is such a boss lady that she wifed Chris Martin, despite Coldplay’s last album being, according to critics, “not that great.” Gwyneth is such a boss that she made a multi-million dollar company out of the white-people-with-essential-oils meme (movement?). My pal Gwen is such a boss that she named her company goop because “all successful companies have two o’s in their names.” Last I checked that just refers to Google and Facebook, but Gwyneth’s probably going through a lot. Don’t fact check her either, please. Indeed, Gwyneth Paltrow is such a boss bitch that she has an entire line of products dedicated to her vagina. Candle included.
So obviously, I want to buy it. This, I thought, is the energy I need to manifest. Is there any space more empowered than Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina? I think not. Every modern woman wants to be as “funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected” as her. Or at least as self-confident.
Therein arises the obvious, almost existential question: Does it actually smell like her vagina? Many male, and a few female (but mostly male) thinkers have pondered about this. Wine that smells like “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed” would be too classy for me, and a candle that smells like it would be too classy for my vagina. I could still try and induce it into “fantasy, seduction and sophisticated warmth” though, because– no matter how much my Co-Star (and my Bumble) tell me it’s not possible– fake it till you make it, right ladies?
The point is, Gwyneth Paltrow is an inspiring, if perhaps insane, woman. It’s easy to see why you’d want this equally inspiring (insane) product. Which is also $75. Which is why I didn’t end up buying it and did the Skittles thing instead.
P.S: Here’s a fun midweek drinking game: take a shot for every time I’ve said the word “vagina”, and then take another one to keep her employees in your prayers.
Image via goop