Oh no! You’ve got a pre-teen on your hands, and you’re going to have to give the sex talk! When did that happen?? If you’re feeling unprepared, don’t worry—consult this guide, and brush up on some new ideas for how to definitely not give the talk. Find the parent-child pairing that relates to your situation, and read the talk you shouldn’t have.
The mother-son talk:
Have sex with anyone you want, any way you want, for as long as you want. Just don’t get anyone pregnant. That is the only thing I’m worried about, and it’s the only thing you should worry about because it is literally the only thing that could go wrong. Sex is really easy. Penis in the vagina. Or whatever. Seriously, do it however, I don’t care. Just don’t get anyone pregnant. Let me know if you want some condoms.
The father-son talk:
You’re going to start having some very powerful new feelings. Do you know what I mean? I mean that you’re going to want to get off. Into anything and everything you see, you’re going to want to get off. And a lot of your worth as a person is going to come from your ability to get off into members of the opposite sex. Like, to me, specifically, and to everyone else, that’s where a lot of your worth will come from. Because I plan on really bonding with you about this whole “both wanting to bang women” thing. So I’m not going to entertain the possibility that you’re anything but cis and straight. Ok, good talk. Let me know if you want some condoms.
The father-daughter talk:
I feel very awkward right now. Any time this topic comes up again, maybe forever, I’m going to feel very awkward. Also, if you bring a boy home there’s a good chance I’ll threaten to hurt him. I firmly believe that fathers policing their daughters’ sex lives is an acceptable alternative to teaching young men about consent and respect, and expecting society to hold them accountable. If you have other questions talk to your mother—to reiterate, I feel very awkward right now.
The mother-daughter talk:
Periods are normal, whatever the fuck is happening to your boobs right now is normal, mood swings are normal, and body odor is normal, but people normally try to do something about it and you should be one of those people. I’m not going to bring up whether masturbation and/or watching porn is normal because I’m a grown woman and I’m still not 100% sure. Have sex if you reeeaally want to, but your default thought should be that it will end in disaster. The only certain way to be happy with your sex life is if you wait until marriage. If you wait until marriage, literally nothing could go wrong. Nothing. Metaphor about free milk and buying cows. Let me know if you want some condoms, but if you take me up on this, expect me to try to make you feel at least a little weird about it.
Image via.