What the heck?
I always thought that Saturdays were a time of relaxation, a time to escape the dreariness of the work week, a time that comes after Friday and before Sunday, but all of a sudden they’re for––the boys?
I’ve got to sit down.
Who gave Saturdays away and why, of all people, to boys? Boys are small and still learning to use their fine motor skills and developing their vocabularies. Do they even know how to spell “Saturdays?” And what are they up to, owning Saturdays and all? Don’t they have paste to eat and Legos to chew on? Can’t they do this any day of the week? How about Thursday? Tuesday?
Wait, what? Now I’m being told that boys refers to young men ages 18-30––which makes more sense, because this is certainly a demographic that thinks most things, such as 1/2 of the weekend, belong to them.
So now that they’ve got Saturdays––which I guess is something I have to come to terms with, seeing that I am a woman with no specific day that belongs to me––what are they doing with them?
WHAT? No. STOP IT! Boys use Saturdays as an excuse for the shenanigans they get up to without their wives, girlfriends and children? Boys order pitchers of the beers at the bar and make each other chug? Boys watch the big game and say wow, what a big game? On a Saturday?
Okay, okay, I’ve gone through several meditation sequences in the wake of this bombshell and decided that maybe it’s okay if society formally bequeaths 1/7 of the year to males. Maybe these “dudes” are using this time to build lifelong friendships, celebrate each other’s accomplishments, and discuss the patriarchy, something they are a part of on Saturdays and all other days. Maybe I am okay with this 24 hour ban on not-boys from public life––JUST KIDDING THAT WOULD BE VERY BAD AND NOW I’M SCARED THAT IF I LEAVE MY HOUSE ON A SATURDAY ALL OF THE BOYS WILL SURROUND MY HOUSE AND DRINK A BUDWEISER LIGHT AND NOT GIVE ME ONE.
Oh my god. What are we going to do?
We’re just standing by, allowing this to happen?
Abso-frickin-lutely not! Next Saturday, if I see a boy (which might not happen, because I assume all boys go to a special boy bunker on Saturdays to do their whiskey sours and fist bumping and sexism) I’m going to say: “Hey! Hey you! You can’t take Saturdays! I have stuff to do on Saturdays! Chill out!”
That’ll show them good!
Aw SNAP. I forgot something about boys, which is that––boys? They’ll be boys!
We’re doomed.
The Five Stages of Coming To Terms With Saturdays Being “For the Boys”
Images via Sarah Clapp.