This month, the new Trader Joe’s in Fox Point will be opening its doors – but are you ready? As we all know, the best part of shopping at TJ’s is the palpable sexual tension between you, dear shopper, and the hot, crunchy employees. Traversing this employee-shopper boundary and securing a Trader Joe’s shawty, however, can seem impossible. Here is where I can help. I have specially curated a short list of foolproof flirting tips to aid in your pursuit.
1. Ask for help! Nothing is sexier than a damsel in distress. As you choose between their classic microwavable meals, do not be afraid to create a scene. TAPS concentrators–this is your time to shine! Shed a tear, throw a tantrum, or even prepare a Shakespearian tragic monologue.
2. Stock up on phallic fruits and vegetables. Hey, we all know that the Trader Joe’s produce section leaves much to be desired. But it is a small price to pay for a potential partner for life. Fill your basket (or cart, if you are desperate) with suggestive, cylindrical foods. Examples include: eggplant (duh), zucchini, bananas, cucumbers, carrots, summer squash, asparagus (I guess), and corn. The sheer implication behind any of these fruits or veggies will catch the eye of an employee.
3. Nothing says MILF, DILF, or PILF (Parent I’d like to…you know) like grocery shopping. Lean into it! Don your best velour tracksuit, your ugliest running shoes, or a pair of cargo shorts and hit TJs! Even better, wear an empty baby bjorn or fill your cart with juice boxes. You will not regret it.
4. Become a regular. Weekly trips are hardly enough to make a lasting impression. I would recommend a daily stop-in. Pay attention to those nametags and make yourself part of the Trader Joe’s family!
5. And now for the pièce de résistance! Oftentimes during checkout, the cashier will comment on one of your purchases. “I love these!” or “great choice!” are common phrases you may hear. Instead of giggling awkwardly, simply declare “want to share it?” Add a wink if you’re feeling it. Be as sultry as possible. They will not be able to resist!
These tips have proved extremely successful at my local TJs, and they will work for you too! Applying all of them at once is especially effective. Let me know if you need flirting tips for other suggestive settings. I will never let you down. Good luck, and see you on opening day!