Dear Brown Community,
In recent hours, it has been brought to our attention that we have run out of beds upon which our beloved soon-to-be sophomores may rest their weary heads. This has come as a shock to everyone, including us at ResLife. Our semester-long course in Counting Beds in Rooms only prepared us to deal with numbers below 1400. Oopsie!
Our dear freshmen, this is no cause to worry. ResLife has come up with four solutions to this problem which are described in detail below,
Housing Opportunities for Sophomores Everywhere (HOSE)
This student led-initiative will focus on providing sophomores with housing in the Providence area. While we understand that our contribution to gentrification in the city of Providence is problematic, we feel as though we have spent enough time giving back that it would be okay if we took a little more.
WOOFing @Brown!
Admit it, freshmen, your gap year is the most interesting thing about you. You won’t shut up about it. We get it, which is why we are introducing a new work-live program right here on our 146-acre campus. Working On an Organic Farm? More like Working In the Rock and then Getting to Sleep in the Silent Basement! Applications for this opportunity will open next week and you will have a variety of locations to choose from including: defending the single bottle of Sriracha in the Ratty, shushing people in the SciLi basement, and polishing the big stone wall outside of CPax’s house!
New Sophomore Seminars in Critical Nap Theory
In these two-and-a-half-hour courses, sophomores will have the opportunity to discuss the pros and cons of sleep with some of the best. With a syllabus flaunting texts by Freud, Derrida, and Foucault, the class will also get to hear guest lecturer Sleepy the Dwarf talk about how sleep deprivation brought him fame and fortune in the film industry. Registration capped at 10 (we only have four chairs…).
University Provided Hammocks (and also the trees to hang them from)
The University will provide each bedless freshman with a sick new Brown branded hammock. We also understand, however, that we really don’t have that many trees in convenient hammock-hanging positions which is why we have pledged to plant 151.5 new trees for the 151.5% by which our endowment increased in the 2021 fiscal year. Freshmen, celebrate innovation with the hashtag #bedonthego to show your support for this exciting program!
We’re so excited to kick off these programs and continue to appreciate your support. Honestly, worst comes to worst, these midterm elections are important so maybe you should move to Alaska again for your #ReturnOfTheGapYear…
Yours in sleepiness and health,
Res Life