So. You got a belly button piercing over Winter Break. You were so brave and you didn’t even cry (okay maybe a tear came out, but that doesn’t count). It looks beautiful, and it’s serving Y2K-lowrise-jeans-Paris-Hilton-realness. There’s only one problem: it’s cold as balls in Providence — that first weekend of February even broke records (or something like that idk I just read the headline). When it’s -9°F out, it’s not exactly the best time to wear a crop top, though I encourage all readers to try it out and report back!***
It’s a devastating time to have a new belly button piercing, walking around in my un-cropped sweatshirt, the world around me oblivious to how cool and glam I am. But never fear; here are ten everyday situations where you can casually bring up your belly button piercing.
- Engaging in academic discourse
As a university student, classes are a frequent topic of conversation! The next time somebody asks you when a paper is due or what you got on that project, ignore them completely and instead let them know that there is jewelry in your stomach. Everyone knows that the best way to answer a question is with another question, so hit them with a “did you know I have a belly button piercing?”‘ They will be so intrigued by you — especially since you’ve waited so long to mention it — that you’ll become their next campus crush! Their heart will skip a beat every time you and your stomach jewelry deign to grace a dining hall with your presence.
- A friend is Sharing Personal News
The next time someone shares that their grandma has cancer or their dog died, make it about you! You know who else is dead? People after they see my belly button piercing!
- Getting Ivy Room sushi
Whenever I get sushi from the Ivy Room — a dining hall that finds new ways to be inefficient with each passing day — I’m always asked “Meal swipe or points?” Every time, I black out and panic and mumble one or the other with no rhyme or reason for my response. To avoid this AND bring up your beautiful piercing at the same time, try: “I don’t know, what would you recommend for someone with a belly button piercing?”
If you’re interested in making other dining hall announcements, try standing by a well-trafficked area, like the Ratty ice cream machine, and asking passersby if they know you have a belly button piercing.
- Being accosted by the Brown Noser on a random Tuesday outside the Ratty
We’ve all been there — you’re running on less than six hours of sleep, and just trying to make it to your next class in peace, headphones in, head down, when suddenly a paper is thrust in your face with the question: “Noser?” Next time you find yourself in this situation, say, “No, but did you know I have a belly button piercing?”
- On your grind in the Rock/SciLi stacks
You and your belly button piercing are a gift to the world, so there’s no way people trying to study in the Rock or SciLi stacks will care if you take a moment of their time to deliver this urgent piece of news. Next time you’re in one of these buildings, whisper “Did you know I have a belly button piercing?” to the person next to you who won’t stop sniffing but refuses to get a tissue.
- Studying in the Hay
Next time you’re in the Hay, make sure to yell “I have a bellybutton piercing!” The Hay is too creepy (it gives voyeurism kink, like why do you want to be perceived) and quiet anyway — you’ll be doing everyone a favor.
- During a job interview
Be it during the college application process or in job interviews, we’ve all been hit with the “Do you have any questions for us?” Instead of stumbling and mumbling, ask, “Did you know I have a belly button piercing?” Your future employer deserves to know that you will be serving cunty realness around the office on the daily!
- On Valentine’s Day
For our Rib readers in relationships, you may have been told on Tuesday “I’m so grateful you’re a part of my life” or “I appreciate you.” The only correct responses are “I’m so grateful I have a belly button piercing” and “I appreciate my belly button piercing.”
- Discussing a Trip to New York City
Are your friends planning an NYC trip but you can’t go because you can’t afford the $300 Amtrak ticket? You’ve guessed it: it’s your chance to mention your shiny new piercing! Just say that NYC is too cold for your belly button piercing and you couldn’t possibly sit on the Amtrak for 3 hours with your beautiful piercing tucked away under a sensible T-shirt! Providence needs you to serve!
- Making a Scene on the Main Green
My personal favorite AND it’s only three simple steps:
- Buy a bullhorn from Amazon.
- Go to the Main Green.
- Let the world know!
Repeat as many times as necessary.
*** The Rib assumes no responsibility for frozen belly buttons. No member of the Rib has ever done anything wrong.