On "The Hill"

Showdown: The Pembroke Seal vs. My Virginity

November 28, 2017

According to Brown lore, any female student who steps on the Pembroke seal during her undergraduate years will get pregnant and be forced to drop out. As a result, I’ve spent the majority of my Brown career paying careful attention not to step on the seal, as well as the surrounding general area (read: Pembroke, home of the poor man’s Ratty). Recently, however, I’ve noticed a flaw in my thought process. Not about my opinion of the VDub, which we all know stands for Very Dumb Untasty Bfood, but about the seal. The thing is, I’m a virgin, and don’t see myself becoming a virgout anytime in the near future. So I should have nothing to be afraid of. Right?

Realistically, there’s three possible outcomes for me stepping on the Pembroke seal:

  1. I’ll get pregnant by having sex with a dude.
  2. I’ll get pregnant by the magic of the myth.
  3. I will remain unpregnant, disproving the rumor that has run rampant on our campus for so many years.

The likelihood of each of these scenarios comes down to two things: the power of the Pembroke seal versus the power of my lack of sexual appeal. Who would win? Let’s find out.

Round One: Longevity.

Though my virginity has been around for decades, the Pembroke seal and its accompanying legend have been around for far longer. Point Pembroke.

Round Two: Notoriety.

As much as I like to think the world revolves around me, and everybody knows my personal business like I’m on the cover of Us Weekly having alien babies, nobody actually gives a shit about me or my sexual history. Pembroke wins again.

Round Three: Determination.

Look, Pembroke used to be a whole different school before Brown came in and took over; a weak ho if I’ve ever seen one. Meanwhile, I have been known to be obnoxiously stubborn and tunnel-visioned, so this one goes to me.

Round Four: Fanbase.

Everybody knows you’re only as powerful as your supporters, and, luckily, nobody in my life wants me to be having children right now. In fact, they actively want me to be not having children right now. The only people rooting for the seal is whoever edits the Brown University traditions Wikipedia page, which is tragically short and will only get shorter. And since the only people who care enough to edit Wikipedia pages are people who are lame enough to eat at the VDub (sad), they don’t count. Another one for me!

Now, you might imagine a fairer competition would have a tie-breaker here, as the score is currently 2-2. But seeing that I’m both a competitor and a judge, I… don’t care. And I’m gonna make the outcome what I want.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m pleased to announce that I’m about to get pregnant by immaculate conception and give birth to the next great religious figurehead! Nine months from now I will become the second most important person in the world – the first being my holy child, of course – and you’re all invited to my baby shower. Gifts not required, but always appreciated.

Images via, via.

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply