Hi, my name is Christina, and I am a mailaholic.
I love getting mail. I loved getting mail in high school, when colleges I’ve never heard of sent me gilded letters declaring that I was very special indeed, and that they wanted my money me. I still love getting mail, but since coming to Brown I have discovered something more exhilarating and sinfully more expensive: packages.
Walking through the Main Green, I often pass students sauntering from the mail room, hauling several packages at a time. Who do they think they are? I can get packages too. I too am a proud consumer of this godforsaken capitalist country.
Remember those days of no-commitment online shopping, when you would load up your cart with dream items nobody needed, and once the price was at least ostentatiously high, close out of the screen so you wouldn’t pay a dime? Those days are over for me. I am a strong, independent consumer on a mission. This mailaholic needs mail and is willing to sacrifice her hard-earned money for it.
Maybe this is because when I was little, my parents were huge proponents of clearance and BOGO and bags of coupons that determined where we ate and shopped. Maybe this is because my mom always prevented me from making stupid purchases for the thrill of the cha-ching. But now I’ve been set free. So step aside Paxson, this Christina is dedicated to online deals and free shipping.
Let’s be honest, I read my emails mostly to check for that coveted love letter from DoNotReply@brown.edu saying “You have a package!” Forget romance, that’s how to really get my heart skipping. (I know why they don’t want replies. An organization as godly as the mail room doesn’t have time for fanmail or limerence — I’ve come to terms with it.)
This is a real problem, I know. Especially because once I open my packages (using my room key like the Neanderthal I am), I realize I didn’t really want that choker necklace covered in velvet lips or a T-shirt that looks like a hospital gown. For me, the biggest thrill is walking across campus holding my packages, not opening them. Maybe there’s an underlying meaning in that… but I don’t want to think about it.
Besides, I’m too busy waiting for three more packages.
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