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On "The Hill", Satire

My Life As a STEM Major

April 10, 2017

I wake up every morning at 6 am. Sike!👏 👏 👏 👏  I never went to sleep ‘cause the grind 👊 don’t 😈  stop👏! Camped out in the basement of the Sci Li all night, working on that problem set. My body is deteriorating but Orgo waits for no one! 👩‍🔬🏃

I step out of the Sci Li and head straight to class. Breakfast you ask? No time for breaks👏 ! The only sustenance I need is avocado’s number! 6.023^10th for breakfast👏  lunch👏  and dinner 👏 .

While I’m in class my mom texts me. I smile at my phone even though I don’t know what the text says. I can’t read.

But who needs to be able to read Harry Potter when you’ve got the real heroes, my boy Isaac Newton 🏃and homie Madame Curie👩‍🔬! G👏O👏A👏T^10th

On my way to the lab I pass by the kindergarteners playing in the playground. I chuckle and shake my head. Foolish children. 😈 Who has time to do the monkey bars when the lab 👩‍🔬grind🙌 is 👏 non👏  stop👏!

I leave the lab having cured cancer, eradicated the common cold, and shoved a beaker up my ass. Work hard👊, play hard🙌!

I head back home, towards the sci li. When I realize I haven’t grabbed dinner (mind always on the equation) I eat a couple of radium atoms and record the change in molecular weight once it’s digested while I settle down at a desk in the 50 decibel section of the basement. Never a 00 for this stem gal! 50👏 is👏 an👏 A 👏with👏 the👏 curve👏.

As I sit down to oxidize some proteins and grind through 12 problem sets, I hear some humanities concentrator mention to her friend, “Yeah, I’m writing about gender and sexuality in Macbeth but also Shakespeare on a broader scale-“

I scoff. “Shakespeare? More like Will-I-get a job with this worthless English degree? Answer: no.”

She gave me a weird look, “What?”

But I didn’t answer her, instead choosing to triumphantly shove my head in pipet. Changing the world, demolishing one humanities major at a time. 👏😈👏👏👩‍🔬 👏

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Life & Other Drugs

Choose Your Own Spring Break Adventure

March 17, 2017

Spring break is just around the corner folks! I hope you’ve all figured out your plans! If not, I’ve crafted this handy choose your own spring break adventure guide. Explore at will.

 

It’s FINALLY spring break! You close your laptop and summersault out of the lecture hall. You breathe in the fresh, spring air. Your best friend runs into you and says she found some last minute plane tickets to Spain! The flight leaves in an hour and you really want to go, but your mom already bought you a ticket back home, and you still haven’t packed. Do you be spontaneous or care about your parents’ hard earned money?

 

BE SPONTANEOUS: Move to Option 1

CARE ABOUT YOUR PARENTS’ HARD EARNED MONEY: Move to Option 2

 

Option 1: Fuck your parents! You finally did something spontaneous in your life! You and your friend hop on a plane out of the Logan airport. You’re in first class because you deserve it. Suddenly, who sits next to you but Beyonce!

Do you ask her for a selfie or pull out a beautiful letter you wrote to her but never sent that explains how inspirational she is and read it to her?

 

TAKE A SELFIE: OPTION 3

READ YOUR LETTER: OPTION 4

 

Option 2: You reluctantly turn down your best friend and go to back your bags. You think maybe playing something in the background would make you feel better.

Do you put on Chopped or The Great British Bake-Off?

 

CHOPPED: OPTION 5

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF: OPTION 6

 

Option 3: You ask her for a selfie and, she says yes! You two take a photo and it’s the most beautiful photo in the world. Literal light from heaven shines from the photo. Nothing will ever compare to this photo. Europe who? You get off the plane and go back to campus. You spend your spring break in your dorm room, staring at the photo. You have achieved Nirvana. END

 

Option 4: You pull out your letter with shaking hands and begin reading it to Beyonce. Two words in, and you’re already bawling. It’s pretty gross to watch. She switches seats. Oh well. At least you’re going to Europe!

Do you watch an in flight movie or take a sleeping and pill and knock out until you get to Barcelona?

 

WATCH AN IN FLIGHT MOVIE: Option 7

KNOCK OUT UNTIL YOU ARRIVE IN BARCELONA: Option 8

 

 Option 5: You got so heated and into the episode that you miss your flight! Oh no! Your parents call to tell you they are very disappointed in you. You order a large cheese pizza to your room and decide to stay there for the rest of break. END

 

Option 6: Ah, there’s nothing more calming than packing to the soothing tunes of the Great British Bake Off music in the background. You’re all packed and ready to go!

Do you take a taxi or an Uber to the airport?

 

TAXI: OPTION 9

UBER: OPTION 10

 

Option 7: They’re playing La La Land, so naturally, you watch it five times. Only minor regrets. Go to OPTION 8

 

Option 8: The plane lands smoothly and you and your best friend emerge out into Barcelona. The city is beautiful! There’s so much to do! Where to start?

Do you go to dinner or visit the Basilica of the Sagrada Familia?

 

GO TO THE BASILICA: OPTION 11

GO TO DINNER: OPTION 12

 

Option 9: HAHAHAH. Taxis. Sure. Go to OPTION 10

 

Option 10:  You make it to TF Green on time, get on your plane, and your parents pick you up at a reasonable time! They tell you that you have a doctor’s appointment to get to, then your grandmother is coming over to mend some of your clothes–also, did you file your taxes yet? You’ll have sit down with them to fill out the FAFSA because they keep forgetting your password.

 As they drone on and on, you slink down in your seat, staring out the window, letting the hum of the car lull you to sleep. END

 

Option 11: The Basilica is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. The architecture, the sensation of being under those marvelous ceilings. You are a new person. You are…who you were always meant to be. END

 

Option 12: The dinner is a delicious serving of paella! The flavors are so much better than whatever box of it your family’s been buying at Costco. Suddenly, a handsome Spanish man sitting at the table turns to you and tells you he’s an agent and he wants to make you a star! You say yes, there’s literally no other option. You drop out of Brown and text your parents that you’re never coming home again. It’s your time to shine. END

 

Check out other choose your own adventure Rib articles!

 

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Life & Other Drugs, Satire, The Tabloids

Donald Trump’s Oscar Reaction Tweets

March 2, 2017

So the Oscars were this past weekend. Lots of drama, cookies falling from the ceiling, mildly racist jokes by Jimmy Kimmel, robbing of Lin-Manuel’s EGOT, and the revolutionary win of Moonlight. Our so-called “president” has yet to tweet about any of the events of the night, but when he does, I imagine they’ll look a little like this:

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Which Rib Editor Are You?

February 26, 2017

 

Have you ever spent hours scrolling aimlessly through the Rib, admiring the genius we have created, and ultimately wondering: which Rib editor am I? Like, really, which Rib editor do I embody?

Wonder no longer, dear readers, I have compiled a comprehensive quiz that will tell you which of the hilariously fabulous Rib editors you are.

 

1. Where’s home for you?

A. A town smaller than the population of one Keeney dorm

B. The Windy City

C. Anywhere but this snowy hellscape

D. The Sun Lab in the CIT

E. A bubble of creativity and sunshine

F. WEST COAST BEST COAST

G. Probably somewhere beautiful and mountainy

 

2. Favorite day of your life?

A. When Luke and Lorelai finally got married

B. When Tim Gunn hit you with an umbrella

C. When Donald finally gets impeached (hopefully coming soon)

D. When you finally finished that awful CS project

E. When you finally finished painting the Mona Lisa

F. Admitting to the world you pronounce it as ‘jif’

G. Getting into that study abroad program wassaaaap

 

3. What’s your biggest fear and or hate?

A. Cows

B. Butterflies and other moving things

C. Republicans

D. Dying alone in the CIT, your body decomposing in the Sun Lab for all eternity

E. No one understanding the complexity of your art

F. Giving into the consumerist agenda

G. Odysseus, the stupid motherfucker of legends

 

4. What do you like to do during your free time?

A. Drink milk

B. Participate in various theatrical productions

C. Call white people out

D. Free time…you don’t comprehend the concept

E. Add pretty paints to your Amazon cart

F. Spend three hours scrolling through Twitter

G. Eat kale or nap in the middle of the woods or something

 

If you answered mostly A’s, you are: ELIZABETH PURINGTON

If you answered mostly B’s, you are: ALI MACLEOD 

If you answered mostly C’s, you are: DANIELLA BALAREZO

If you answered mostly D’s, you are: MONIKA RAJAGOPALAN

If you answered mostly E’s, you are: SARAH CLAPP

If you answered mostly F’s, you are:  ASHA FRANCHI

If you answered mostly G’s, you are: ANNIE WARNER

Image via and Annie Warner.

 

On "The Hill"

Interview with Brown Statues

February 14, 2017

It’s a cold, bleary day on Brown’s campus. The wind whips through the trees, the weak sun struggles to peek through the clouds. On the Main Green, the fake tree with the rock statue stands alone. Always alone.

Such is the life of most statues at Brown now, since Blueno’s fat blue ass was suddenly dropped on the lawn in front of Ashamu. His presence was controversial, divisive, and, above all, ominous. Whether you love or hate Blueno, we cannot deny his enormous influence. He has overshadowed the tin foil children statues, the fake tree statue, and even the anal beads statue. Where is the justice?

The Rib has been able to get exclusive interviews with many of the statues that have felt the brunt of Blueno’s presence.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Oh, Icarus: A Cautionary Shopping Period Tale

February 5, 2017

Shopping period during my first year was uneventful as one might expect. As a baby college student, I got to every class 30 minutes early, I scrambled to download my readings before the second week, and shopping multiple classes at the same time? Out of the question.

I was a jaded junior at the beginning of the year. I flew through shopping period effortlessly, dropping and adding classes like nothing, nodding confidently during lectures as if I had actually done the reading. I knew what I was about.

Then this semester rolled around and everything changed. I flew too close to the sun.

the cosmic universe @ my pain and suffering

This is a cautionary tale to all those who think they can scam the system. Perhaps there really is no shopping period for upper class students and upper class seminars. Perhaps we are all just floating in the abyss.

I’ve been considering dropping my political science concentration for a while, but there was this Friday afternoon seminar that for some inexplicable reason, I figured I should at least pop into the first class for. Even though I was literally 95% sure I wasn’t gonna take the class. Oh, what a fool I was.

I walk into this political theory seminar, thinking I’d hang out in the back row,  ready to quietly slink out whenever I got bored. The second I stepped foot inside the classroom, I was assaulted by a barrage of questions from the professor:

“Are you registered for the course? Are you a poli sci major? Are you a senior?”

 

I sort of just yelped “yES?” even though only the first two things there were correct. He handed me a syllabus and asked “Are you taking it for sure or shopping?” I mumbled “Uh, shopping.” Then he looked at me and gave me a…..”hmph.”

Hmph. HMPH. H M P H!

I have never been “hmphed” by a professor before. I think I might have blacked out. When I awoke, he elaborated, “Speak to me after class about this.”

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. There is no escape. Nothing to do but sit in a chair and wait (to make matters worse, the desks were all in a CIRCLE formation). Dear faithful reader, what is one to do in this situation? Nothing but hope the first class would be a brief one.

But of course it wasn’t going to be, because the next thing out of the professor’s mouth was, “We’ll go over the syllabus in an in-depth way, and I’ll be giving a mini lecture as preparation for next class. ”

New plan. Sit in this chair rigidly until the class ends. Blink and breathe only when needed.

Because my life is a big cosmic joke, I couldn’t even do that. About five minutes into the lecture, he asked us to raise our hands if we had never taken a constitutional law class before. I certainly hadn’t, but I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to be the only one to not raise their hand. I was in the clear. I thought. Until he said “Let’s go around and say exactly which constitutional law class we’ve taken and with which professor.”

me when I realize my hubris has gotten me into a diddly darn mess.

Dear reader, spontaneous combustion would have been better than this.

My dignity went out the window that day, truly. I stayed in the class for another hour, listening to a lecture I barely understood, feeling like an absolute fraud. The moment we took a break, I booked it out of there with a “I’m planning on shopping more classes but I’ll let you know!”

I survived. But not every student is as lucky as I am. If you or a loved one is trapped in a class that you desperately want to leave, know that you are not alone. Before you shop classes, consider your semester level and the size of the class. Will shopping really be possible? If you are not sure or have a history of being trapped in classes, speak to your advisor or professor right away before shopping said class. Do not feel obligated to stay in the cruel world of academia. Leave while you can. Be free.

Image via, viaviavia, via, and via

Listicles

White People and Me

December 5, 2016

There’s a lot of things I don’t understand about white people. Don’t get me wrong, I like white people! No, yeah, some of my best friends are white people! They love it when I make white people jokes. And like, I’ve got plenty of jokes. But there’s just so much they do that is baffling. Like,

  1. Getting their ears pierced as a tween

A fellow Rib writer actually inspired this article when she mentioned that she had gotten her ears pierced at Claire’s when she 12 but they’d healed over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Healed over? 12 years old? Claire’s?? I got my ears pierced when I was in the womb, the WOMB!

2. Making out with their dog

FULL DISCLOSURE: Nobody loves their dog more than I do. I freakin’ love my dog more than I love myself. But that won’t fly with most Mothers of Color. The moment I put my face near my dog, looking for a quick kiss or cuddle because I LOVE MY DOG, my Cuban mother will whip her head around at me and say, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DISEASES DOGS CARRY IN THEIR MOUTHS?!”

Yikes.

 

3. Taking a gap year

HAH. What is this foreign concept called a “gap year?” A year without school? Lounging around the house without a job? Unheard of.

 

4. Loving white actresses because they eat food

“Jennifer Lawrence is so relatable she loves pizza!” “Amy Schumer is so quirky for liking carbs!” Like SHUT UP. Raise your standards! They suck.

WOW. SO RELATABLE.

WOW. SO RELATABLE.

5.  Tracing their heritage back to a village 500 years ago

cherokee

I come from Latin America and both my countries have been the subject of European colonization for hundreds of years, so who’s to say how much conquistador versus indigenous I am? But white people practically live on ancestry.com and love telling you they’re 1/64th insert-racial-minority-group-here.

 

6.  Pier 1 Imports

WHEN YOU SPOT SOME AROUSING DEALS

WHEN YOU SPOT SOME AROUSING DEALS

PIER 1, CHEER 1

 

7. Pulling an Eat Pray Love

White people absolutely LOVE to “find themselves” and “experience a new culture” and “travel the spiritual world” or some other bullshit. Who has time to find themselves? Can’t relate.

 

8. Apple picking

White people are absolutely WILD about apple picking. Can’t go on Facebook without being invited to at least fifteen apple picking events. Only place I’ll pick my apples at is the store, thanks!

 

9.  Putting mayo on things

These people can’t season food for shit yet they smother globs of mayo on everything. Disgusting.

10. Naming children things like Maykaleigh and Brylee.

ENOUGH

11. Sunburns

Can’t pretend to understand needing to use  90 SPF sunscreen or wearing long sleeves to the beach.

 

12. Macklemore

See also: the Kardashians or people who exploit black culture.

 

13. The movie Her

I tried watching this with my mom and she left because it was too bizarre for her. I stayed and watched it and regret spending two hours of my life on it. Only white people would think it would be a good idea to fuck a computer.

 

14. Juice cleansing

IT DOESN’T WORK.

 

15.  Fit bits

Who cares enough to drop 500 bucks on a glorified pedometer?

 

16. Clapping after a plane lands

This is why pilots have such huge egos.

 

And finally,

17. Asking if it’s spicy

I know this is on every list that makes fun of white people, but it would be a disservice for me to not include it.

 

In conclusion, I am not one step closer to understanding white people.

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Love & Romance, The Tabloids

Carrie and Harrison: I deserve this

November 29, 2016

November 15th. It started off like any other normal day, didn’t it?  I had eggs and toast for breakfast (perfect energy boost). It was a rainy day, classic Providence. I went to class, went to work, wanted to die at least twice, etc. Then, it happened.

I opened Twitter to read the very words I always needed to hear:

Carrie Fisher Reveals She Had an Affair With Harrison Ford on Star Wars

Is…is this what it feels like to be in love? To get married? To give birth to your first child? To have all your dreams come true?

This isn’t even news at all, obviously. We all saw this coming. We’ve all seen The Empire Strikes Back.

I MEAN COME. ON.

Magnificent. That is art right there. That kiss belongs in the freakin’ Louvre.  I can’t help that Carrie, Harrison, and the universe were all thinking of me when making this announcement.

 I deserve this. I mean, I truly deserve this. I am a good person. I pay my taxes. I have given this world so much over my twenty years of life and, finally, I am being rewarded in kind. 

I have waited since I was eight years old for this, ever since my dad was first like “This is Star Wars. We’re watching it.” Was I in love with Han Solo/Harrison Ford and did I want him for myself? Didn’t we all? But I knew there was something deeper than the eye could see. When Han and Leia looked at each other, I felt weak at the knees, fluttery in the stomach, light in the head. No “acting” could arouse such visceral emotion.

‘It Was So Intense'” Carrie said. I’ll bet it was, Carrie. God. I bet it was the equivalent of a freakin’ supernova of intensity.

God, I just, I really deserve this. I have never deserved anything more in my life. All the embarrassing moments I’ve had in my life, all the career and romantic rejections I’ve faced, have all been worth it for this. This just reaffirms for me that Carrie and Harrison are my soulmates. Not that they separately and individually are my soulmates, but them as a whole, as a unit, as a pair, are my soulmates. 

COME ON!

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Life & Other Drugs

My Life Would Be So Much Better With Terry Crews As My Guardian Angel

November 15, 2016

It’s been a hard past two weeks for me, folks. Didn’t do too hot on an exam, contracted pneumonia, had three bowls of mac and cheese one evening,  cried over no less than five episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

I used to think that all of my low points were my own fault, that I was the one that needed to get my act together. But then, I realized that all of this stress could easily be avoided if only Terry Crews, American actor, former NFL star, resident father figure on Brooklyn 99, was my guardian angel.

I truly believe he would provide me with the wisdom and tough love I need to reach my full potential. I make a LOT of mistakes but Terry has some wisdom for every situation:

When I’m strapped for cash but Colourpop just released ten new lipstick colors:

Even Terry Crews knows that with a single glare from him, anyone would lock up their wallet and throw away the key. Terry wouldn’t let me spend thirty dollars on three different primers from CVS. Terry would tell me that I ought to put some of that money in my savings account. I understand, Terry.

 

When I try to stay up past midnight working on an assignment:

Terry would remind me that my brain just automatically shuts down at a certain point in time and that only true all nighter I ever pulled involved watching the entire second season of Glee, which required little to no brain power. Terry would remind me that I should start my papers at least three to four days ahead of time. If Terry was my guardian angel, I wouldn’t have submitted my poli sci paper with double spacing instead of 1.5 spacing (although seriously, who uses 1.5 spacing anymore).

 

When I’m worried that I’m acting dorky or cheesy:

You’re right, Terry! I shouldn’t feel bad about expressing my emotions to people! I shouldn’t feel embarrassed when I tell a friend or family member that I love them or when I cry over a dog in public. Thank you for helping me express my emotions, Terry.

 

When I’m worried that I’ll never find love/do well in classes/get a stable job after college:

Terry understands that college students are ten times as anxious and stressed as ever and that even here at Brown there’s always that pressure to get straight As. Terry wouldn’t have anything new to say about my love life – just the same thing that everyone says, “it’ll happen when it happens.” But it would somehow be more comforting coming from him. If worse comes to worst after college, I know Terry would be there for me, ready to take me under his wings and usher me into the real world.

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Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill", The Tabloids

Conspiracies On The Hill

October 17, 2016

You know, I really love a good conspiracy theory. Aliens in Area 51? Um, yes bitch, the truth is out there! Did Bush do 9/11 (and did Dick Cheney subsequently make money off the Iraq War?) Hell yeah! Is everyone who remembers it as Berenstein and not Berenstain from a parallel universe? Of course we are! Is Louis from One Direction faking new-fatherhood in order to hide his secret relationship with fellow bandmate, Harry Styles?

Well, okay, maybe not that one, that’s fucked up. The internet is a weird place. But all the other ones are definitely true.

Now I’ve been hashing out a couple theories of my own. Having been a student for two and some years here, I’m confident that I am well informed enough to investigate the mysteries that pervade these halls, and to craft my own Brown specific conspiracy theories. Here are a few of the best:

1. Bruno the Bear is actually a spy for Harvard

harvardbear

bruno faking us all

It is heart-wrenching to know that a creature so integral to our identity as Brown students would betray us like this! Unfortunately, I have it on good authority that Bruno and John Harvard go way, way back. Is there no one on this campus we can trust?

 

2. Ruth Simmons is trapped within her portrait in Sayles Hall 

YOU CAN SEE THE FEAR IN HER EYES

YOU CAN SEE THE FEAR IN HER EYES

F R E E   H E R.

 

3. Brown is really a social experiment conducted by a lab

chemistry-lab

Have you ever seen The Truman Show? Okay, I haven’t but I did IMDB it, and I’m convinced Brown’s campus is trapped in a similar dome for the purposes of conducting social experimentations on its subjects. I mean, be honest, have you ever actually left College Hill? Think about it.

 

4. John Krasinski haunts the Sci-Li

tfw u have a 30 page paper due in five hours and you haven't started

tfw u have a 30 page paper due in five hours and you haven’t started yet but you’re thinking about dabbling in stand up.

It is said that you can sometimes hear him in the stacks, humming the Office theme song in a minor key. Ever been working on an essay and feel yourself staring into a screen with a haunted, empty look in your eyes, hating your existence? John is behind all that…

 

5. One of Emma Watson’s turds is currently being held under someone’s bed in Keeney Quad

emmawatsonpoop

leaving her mark on this campus

Emma Watson didn’t often poop while on campus. But when she did, you can bet it remained treasured by some single, desperate freshman who’s still bitter Emma graduated before they were even accepted to Brown. Poor Emma.

 

6. The Ratty food is made up of past alumni who never donated to the school

you know they boutta feed you some class of '65

you know they boutta feed you some class of ’65

Think you probably won’t donate to Brown after you graduate? Think again unless you wanna end up in the “pork chops.”

 

Image via, viaviavia, via, via, viavia, via, and Annie Warner.