Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Haha, Thanks, I Hate It

December 19, 2017

Yo. This one’s pretty simple. Basically it’s a list of things that I hate. And when I hate things, I really love saying: “haha, thanks, I hate it.” Hence the article title. Like, picture all of these things happening or being placed right in front of my eyes and then picture me laughing in a pained way and then saying, “thanks, I hate it.” Okay. That’s it.

  1. under appreciating T-Pain
  2. knee caps as a concept
  3. the fact that baby carrots are just shaved down big carrots
  4. being touched unsolicitedly
  5. people entering my friends’ and my photo even though we explicitly excluded them in the first place
  6. that a “women’s” shirt is tight and has a v-neck??? like no I just want a normal ass t-shirt pls
  7. entering a really public space full of people when I’m alone and they all turn to look at me and I suddenly don’t know what to do with my hands
  8. on the topic of hands: figuring out where to put them in photos
  9. the aesthetic of the suburbs
  10. white people
  11. specifically, white women who say “chicas”
  12. but, again, just white people in general
  13. the fact that people paid J.K. Rowling actual human money to write that shit script for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
  14. ppl who hurt my feelings….. hahahahahahahahaha…. aNYWAY
  15. squash, but I think that might be a me thing
  16. that acne isn’t a thing that  actually  stops with age
  17. people who are only like two years older than me treating me like I’m a baby
  18. wet scrambled eggs
  19. THAT THE UNIVERSE IS INFINITELY EXPANDING AND ENDLESS AND BLACK HOLES ARE A THING HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THOSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT OUR SUN IS GOING TO EXPLODE AND WE ALL JUST LIVE ON A CHUNK OF ROCK LITERALLY HURLING THROUGH SPACE AT MILLIONS OF MILES PER HOUR AND WHAT HAPPENS AFTER DEATH I DON’T KNOW AND THAT IS SO SCARY AND BIG AND I AM SO SMALL AND WEAK
  20. Brad from Bio

Thank you and goodnight.

Image via Sarah Clapp.

Life & Other Drugs

Dog-Calling

December 5, 2017

Any time a dog parades down the Main Green, looking so fluffy and happy and immediately wiping the concept of finals out of everyone’s minds, a strange sight emerges. Some people run up immediately, beginning to pet the dog. Others watch from a distance, staring, contorting their mouths into puppy dog lips and ‘awwww’-ing. Dogs clearly bring immense joy, but is the way in which we greet dogs, or dog-calling as I like to call it, problematic? Are we ignoring the wants and needs of pooches and their owners and treating doggies like a common good?? The horror!! Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Satire

My Application for Four Weddings

December 4, 2017

To Whom It May Concern at Casting for TLC’s “Four Weddings:”

Hello. My name is Sarah Clapp and I would like to be on “Four Weddings” because I love eating chicken saltimbocca that has been sitting in a buffet tub for 4 hours and criticizing tulle. Moreover, I am the perfect bride for “Four Weddings” because I will be going to four weddings in the next four months and they are all mine. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

Next on Your Binge-Watching List: Winnie The Pooh

December 2, 2017

During the life-changing, magical, magnificently spectacular three years that I have been a member of Netflix, I have binge-watched more shows than I am willing to admit. Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I have the attention span of an 8-year-old girl whose mom forgot to give her Ritalin this morning, so “binge” really isn’t the appropriate word to use. I don’t think I’ve ever watched more than 2 consecutive episodes at a time of anything, ever. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance, Satire, The Tabloids

What Would Dua Lipa Do?

November 30, 2017

I only know three things about latest pop sensation Dua Lipa. One is that she’s freaking gorgeous in a way that makes me question whether I want to be her or on her. Two is that she should definitely try to get a lip gloss deal with Sephora or something with a name like that. And three, she has got to be a total badass who gives really solid advice. I mean, you’ve heard “New Rules.” You’ve been strong enough to not contact your ex, right? All because of Mother Dua. Continue Reading…