Shiru Cafe, Angell Street’s latest addition, uses funding from global companies to offer Brown students free drinks in a setting “where students can learn about the professional world and envision their future careers.” To reap these benefits, students must share information about their professional goals and qualifications, exchanging data regarding their corporate appeal for complimentary nitro brews and iced teas. What you may not know is that participating companies are scrutinizing your drink orders to see if you’d be a good fit for their business models. Your afternoon pick-me-ups are not exempt from the judgmental specter of private enterprise! Here is what recruiters are thinking while you get your caffeine fix.
Cappuccino
You enjoy the balance found in equal parts espresso, steamed milk, and milk foam just like you enjoy a work-life balance. Even though you have embossed business cards and custom-tailored pant suits, you’re always the life of the party as long as the party is a corporate mixer. You’re so totally fun, but only when it’s professionally appropriate! How does working in an office with a ping-pong table that no one will actually use sound?
Cold Brew
You’ll make it to round three (of seventeen) of our interview process because you’ve demonstrated that you’re cool under pressure. But you’re too cool. You think that black turtlenecks are appropriate for the workplace and insist that everyone should listen to The Replacements to understand “real music.” Frankly, we just don’t understand you, which is unfortunate, given your robust technical qualifications.
Vanilla Latte
Sensible and sweet, you’re the perfect candidate for Social Media Manager at our new tech start-up. You’re hooked into trends, influencers, livestreams, and buzzfeeds, which aligns with our company values of hiring other people to deal with that insipid drivel. We are individuals fluent in fourteen computer languages; we have more important things to attend to than snapped-streaks. There are bountiful opportunities for humanities students like you at our company, such as Assistant Instagram Operator and Chief of Hashtag Supervision. You studied English, so that probably qualifies you to write a tweet, right?
Green Tea
You’re too ethical to draw in big honkin’ profits to our offshore accounts. We cannot offer you an interview at this time.
Americano
We see great potential in the skills you demonstrate in your preference for diluted espresso; you don’t mess around with lactose and we can tell that you won’t mess around in the boardroom. We can make you a competitive offer with a six-figure salary, full benefits, a relocation package, and a corner office you can gloat about to your matcha-drinking-chums.
Hot Chocolate
We had a large volume of qualified candidates apply this year and unfortunately cannot offer you a position at this time. We need people on our team who can make sensible market projections and you do not have the experience we are looking for, which is 5 years in the industry and a drink order that isn’t chocolate milk.
Three Coffees, Ordered In Quick Succession
Your commitment to the grind of the coffee bean demonstrates your commitment to the grind of the workplace. Your non-stop work ethic is admirable, as is your bladder capacity (we assume.) You’re hired!
Images via Sarah Clapp.