This year, as always, countless people will flock to houses that are decorated with orange and black (not to be confused with Orange is the New Black) to celebrate Halloween. I’ll be the first one to admit, as someone who was raised in a 1 bedroom apartment, houses are freaking spooky. Staircases, multiple bathrooms: it’s all horrifying. It’s a miracle that I sleep a wink in these dark and gloomy Providence nights.
However, there is something that disturbs me even more, as a city dweller. It is unlimited, poorly lit, and you can enter free of charge. Nothing spooks me more than the great/horrible outdoors. I don’t love hanging around in rough neighborhoods, but the danger that lies in them is rational. What is in that alleyway? Perhaps someone who is going to mug you.
But, what’s behind that tree, you might ask? SOMETHING UNKNOWN, AND DEFINITELY EVIL. Or a squirrel. Which probably still has it out for you.
Whenever I go for an evening stroll in the suburbs, I am just waiting for something to pop out at me. Back home, I would enjoy a full moon, but in the wild expanses of nature, full moon = impending werewolf attack. Zombie apocalypses are way more threatening outside, and vampires usually have to be invited in, depending on what canon you’re following. On the other hand, forbidden forests, foreboding bodies of water, and intimidating bush hedges will always get you.
Clearly, haunted houses are a scam. The worst thing they pack is, like, maybe a ghost. The real supernatural phenomena exist outside. STAY INDOORS, YOU FOOLS.
Also, it’s getting chilly out. Frostbite is scary. So is getting sprayed by a skunk. Or skinning your knee on the concrete sidewalk.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
Happy Halloween from the Rib.
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