Are impending finals beginning to make your quality of life worse than when mice infested your grimy dorm room and ate your stock pile of Girl Scout Cookies? Is stress leading you to cry in public places? Do you, perhaps, resemble this meme a little too much?
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- Elimination Efficiency: Only drink the precise amount of water that your body needs to function in order to avoid ever wasting time to pee! If you overvalue your liquid needs and end up needing to piss, you can still work to save time! Instead of allowing your pee to just leisurely leak out, actually push your pee out faster! No more subtle streams, I’m talking Niagara Falls level pressure!
- Fashion Fixes: Trade in your lame lace-up shoes for a nice pair of Velcro ones. You’ll save time and since ugly sneakers are all the rage, you’ll be the talk of the town! Next, shave your head! It’s the ‘in’ style and you won’t waste any time combing, washing, drying, or styling your hair!
- Social Stopper 1.0: Wear blinders around your eyes so you limit the number of people with whom you make eye contact! If you never make eye contact, you’ll never have to waste time interacting with people. If the blinders aren’t effective enough, you can move to the Social Stopper 2.0: just walk around blindfolded!
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*This is fake news.