Tired of going to sweaty parties in frat houses? Sick of cramming your friends into a tiny dorm room and spilling your drink on someone’s bed? Fear not – this list will guide you toward the more obscure party spots on campus. These untapped resources present endless opportunities for debauchery and underage drinking. And the list might surprise you…
- The Absolute Quiet Room in the Rock
Who says you have to make noise to turn up?! Live your dream of competing on MTV’s Silent Library and get silly in silence! This location really lends itself to activities like The Quiet Game or really any other noiseless event that your elementary school teacher tried to pass off as fun. Warning: Security here is pretty strict, so make sure to turn the volume down while you turn up. I’ve heard that you can distract the bouncers by discussing the New York Times’ Bestsellers list, though, so you might want to study up before attending.
- That one nasty bathroom in your dorm that everyone avoids
10/10 people interviewed said that they would never party in here, but hey – at least you know it’ll always be available! There are plenty of opportunities to get creative here. Consider using the hair clogging the drain to sound proof! Have a competition to see who adjusts to the smell first! The toilet is right there in case you get sick, and the chances of DPS breaking up the party are slim considering that even they don’t want to go in there.
- On the Pembroke seal
This is the perfect spot for an all male bro-bonding party. As we all know, a woman will instantly become pregnant if she steps on the seal, so ladies, keep out! (Unless you’re feeling adventurous. They may say, “That girl is with child!” but they’ll also say, “That girl is the one with SICK dance moves!”) Be aware of open container laws at this spot, but also be aware of how dope you are for being a party pioneer.
- The mail room
Everyone knows the mail room has the best music on campus, and there isn’t even a DJ! Gather round the TV, bust a move, and I guarantee you’ll experience a joy almost as great as when your name is called to retrieve a package. Don’t worry about the turnout, because this hot spot is always packed! The “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” mentality won’t work here, though; you’d really better start around 3pm, because doors close at 5.
- On the statue of Caesar Augustus in front of the Ratty
Little known fact: Caesar actually lost his arm from fist pumping too hard at a rager! The man was a savage. Establish your role as Life of the Party just like Augustus established the Roman Empire. This location is a great vantage point from which you can observe the nerds going to boring parties on Wriston Quad. Caution: If you’re made of bronze, do not attend, because there is a 90% chance you will oxidize and turn green.
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