AN UNDERGRADUATE student at Brown University was hospitalised at 11:06pm on October 10th, 2020 after becoming aware of how she looks from the side. Agatha Cummings ’22 was attending a small (very legal, pack it up Dear Blueno) gathering of friends over the weekend, when she became aware of the huge honker hanging between her eyes like a ripening aubergine. From there, the tension only Gru. Cummings has since realised that throughout her two decades of life, whenever anyone has looked at her from anything but that one angle she practices in the mirror, they come face-to-face with the bulbous, protuberant appendage that dangles and swings about with the vigour of Cardi B’s uvula. Cummings’ heart rate spiked enormously on seeing her side profile, and given that her snotlocker is her centre of gravity, Cummings took a swift nose-dive to the ground. EMS was phoned immediately. She is not expected to make any semblance of a recovery whatsoever, and at press time, was frantically phoning the office of Dr. Miami.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We have become aware that we mistakenly confused the word “grew” with “Gru” in our reportage, due to the uncanny resemblance between Cummings’ monsterous trunk of a schnozz and Steve Carrell’s iconic character from the Despicable Me franchise [pictured for ease of reference]. We apologise and are working to get to the bottom of this error.
Image via.