*Applause* *Whistles* *Shouts*
Wow, thank you all so much. *Sheds a tear* You can stop clapping now. Actually don’t. *Winks* *Audience laughs* *Camera zooms towards my face*
I cannot adequately express what an honor it is to be here tonight receiving the award for “Finally Fucking Leaving for Spring Break.” I honestly never thought this day would come. It’s amazing how you can spend your whole semester preparing for one thing, and when it finally comes, you never quite believe it.
*Camera zooms back out to reveal my gorgeous gown sweatpants*
Wow this stage is bigger than I imagined. I just never thought I’d be up here! I want to take this time to remind everyone that Spring break is not just upon me but upon us.
*Camera zooms back in, accenting my beauty and dark circles*
It should go without saying that I couldn’t have reached this point all by myself . I have so many people to thank and let me say in advance that if I don’t say your name that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means my brain is fried from midterms.
I’d like to start off by thanking The Academy Administration for having an S/NC policy and giving us that one snow day and then depriving us of the other one (even though yea… it didn’t really snow).
I’d like to thank my parents for telling me to “get back to work” every time I called to procrastinate, prompting me to question their love for me, and then for sending me pictures of my dogs because they felt bad for me, which reaffirmed their affection.
I’d like to thank the Campus Mini-Mart for selling chicken-flavored Cup Noodles and for offering me a plastic bag every time I was clearly struggling to carry all six of my hot broth cups. I’d also like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to anyone I deprived of Cup Noodles due to my broth addiction. So sorry. (So worth it though).
I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank my team! You know who you are!! *Camera pans towards the crowd* Tealuxe, Starbucks, CVS, Yan’s Cuisine, The Ratty Cereal Station, and Gail. You guys are all my rocks and I don’t think I’d be leaving Providence right now if it wasn’t for you guys.
I’d also like to thank water because even though I forget about you sometimes and you get pissed and take it out on my brain, I just want you to know that I love and respect all that you do. I literally wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for support of my basic biological functions. I promise that over this next week of break, I will pound you so hard that you’ll feel like I never abandoned you.
Last but not least, I need to call out a special someone…
*Audience Oooos**Camera pans right* *Lens flare* *Cameras zooms in*
The 12th floor of the Sci Li is often understood to be dark place, and don’t get me wrong, it is. The lights shut off every fifteen minutes, leaving you scared at 2 am but also strangely comforted by the presence of ghosts. I’d like to thank you, 12th floor Sci Li, for turning the windows into black mirrors at the night so when I gaze upon them, the only thing I see looking back is my own, sickly, pale, exhausted reflection. I see face that says: I haven’t eaten vegetables in weeks and you should leave now.
*Camera zooms back out, revealing the stage to be just the peanut butter station in the Ratty*
Gosh, I guess all I can really say is that receiving this award has been a real dream come true. *Camera zooms in* I dedicate this to everyone here tonight. *Holding the award above my head* May you go forth and ignore your homework assignments for the next week and take many naps.
*Speaking directly into the camera* Thank you again for this honor. Have a great night! *Blows kiss to the audience*
*Funky outro music* *Fade to black*
Image via Caroline Zerilli