I recently saw a tweet that said Paul Mescal and Phoebe Bridgers are like Tom Holland and Zendaya for suicidal people. While I could never come up with this astounding comparison myself (credits to @vbiior you’re a genius), as a depressed bisexual, I can certainly corroborate.
It’s hard to be a depressed bisexual and be exposed to media that plunges you further into the pits of your despair. And it’s even harder to observe the stars crossing for two of your favorite, most awe-striking people on this Earth but only from afar, fated to never come close to being an actual part of this coupling. They’re like Romeo and Juliet but in like, skeleton onesies.
If the duo didn’t hurt bad enough, seeing this photo pop on the feed of all of my social media without warning was a dull knife jammed into the gaping wound of my heart:
Paul as Andrew and Daisy as Phoebe (no, not that one). It is just so much cuteness, yearning, and simultaneous depression, and a few too many worlds colliding.
If you’re anything like me, the pain comes in waves. I can go for weeks without spiraling over the fact that I’m not an intimate part of the Phoebe Bridgers-Normal People-Fleabag universe, until some meme, or a photo of Phoebe and Paul with their scrumptious little black pug, or a Hot Priest reel comes on my explore page, and all of a sudden I’m plunged down the rabbit-hole yet again. With seasonal depression in full bloom and a month stuck in my hometown with nothing to do but rewatch mental-illness-inducing shows looming before me, the time between these relapses grows thinner and thinner. It is hard for us sad gay people to deal with the fact that we will never be a part of the Phoebe Bridgers, Paul Mescal, Daisy Edgar Jones throuple, but here are some ways to cope with reality:
1) Find some other straight but oddly queer-feeling media to consume
Though both Normal People and Fleabag simply are irrefutably heterosexual, the queer yearning is still ever so apparent. It is that yearning that really touches our sad, gay hearts. So what better way to dig yourself out of the rabbit-hole than to find a new one to entrench yourself within? Though it may be counterproductive, at least you’ll have another first watch, followed by oh so many new Tiktok and Instagram Reel edits (all coincidentally to Scott Street) to peruse.
Suggestions: SKAM (Norway), Seasons 2 and 3 specifically; Love Rosie (the book and the movie); Feel Good (it is explicitly queer so perfect and amazing regardless.)
2) Get Taylor tickets
Sorry if this is a touchy subject. If you already have ticket or are simply desperate enough to bear the brunt of resale prices, you can see Miss Bridgers open for Taylor on tour for some momentary bliss to distract you from your sorrowful reality! And if you’re lucky (and close) enough, perhaps you’ll see Paul jamming behind stage. Maybe Daisy too?
3) Become an extra in the new Paul Mescal-Andrew Scott movie
If you are up to date on the lore of this universe, I’m sure you know about Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott’s upcoming film, “Strangers”, where the two are slated to play lovers. Well, you will once again not be part of this entanglement. However, all movies need extras. I don’t know how you do it, but get in there! Observe from afar!
4) Read fanfic
The global population just recently surpassed 8 billion people. And what does that mean? There are such a surplus of talented humans using their writing skills to enhance fictive worlds of their choice, creating the most niche fanfics for all sorts of shows, books, and plain old real life people. We have a breadth of writers on this planet, and oh-so-many of them have devoted their sweet time to this pursuit. Head onto Archive of Our Own stat for the good stuff.
Alternatively, you could also read another book in the Sally Rooney canon. Or perhaps Where the Crawdads Sing, followed by a viewing of the movie with Miss Edgar-Jones’ sultry southern accent.
5) Legally change your name to Phoebe
Hey- it can’t be a coincidence that Phoebe Bridgers and Phoebe Waller-Bridge share that one fated, disyllabic name. Perhaps a name change is enough to zest up your love life. Better yet, maybe Phoebe-ing yourself is what will finally allow your writing to transcend mediocrity (because all Phoebes are genius writers, of course). And if Phoebe doesn’t float your boat, maybe just try some other Bridge-adjacent name.
6) Start acting like the protagonists
Be as terrible at communicating as Marianne and Connell! Write the most awfully gut-wrenching and sad lines you can come up with like Phoebe! Look into a fake camera and speak to yourself mid-conversation like Fleabag (break that fourth wall babes)! If you’re bored of your existence, just emulate someone else’s!
And if all else fails, plummet back to Summer 2020 Harry Potter Tiktok and try shifting realties! Godspeed to all the sad gay people that made it to the end of this article!
-one of you