I can only give you advice on the following questions:
Should I do laundry or just wear my bathing suit bottoms as underwear?
Should I call my nana? I haven’t talked to her in a while.
Is this a good amount of bronzer or am I borderline Oompa Loompa?
For these scenarios, the answers are simple. Wear the bathing suit bottoms, catch up with Nana, and if you’re questioning the amount of makeup you’re wearing, you’re probably more closely resembling one of Willy Wonka’s workers than a girl who just got back from a beach vacation.
I don’t know if I have this sort of all-knowing aura about me, but people think I have the answers to everything. It’s extremely flattering and I try my best to answer honestly, but sometimes I feel like I’m just saying shit without any credibility.
I can’t give you advice on the following questions:
Okay, there are two boys I hooked up with and I really like them both, but Boy A hasn’t been responding to my texts and Boy B ignores me in public. However, I met this new guy, Boy C, and he really wants to take me out on a date, but he’s best friends with Boy A and was Boy B’s roommate last year. What should I do?
I really love spending time with my boyfriend and we’ve really gotten close, but he is just so clingy. Like he always wants to be with me and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am. I need my space. How do I tell him that without hurting his feelings?
I’m in love, but love scares me. Am I doomed to die alone?
Yes, there is a theme across all three scenarios. A theme I have very little experience in – love and relationships. I’m just 20. Seriously, what do I know about this? Yet my friends ask me for their advice as if this were my realm of expertise. I think I can safely say the closest I’ve come to feeling some remnants of love was while eating the Amighetti’s Special – ham, roast beef, Genoa salami, cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onion, pepperoncini, and special dressing – at Amighetti’s in St. Louis, Missouri.
For the first scenario, I can only dream of having just one guy pine after me, but three? I would just float away on a cloud. If someone were to present this situation to me, I would internally scream inside then try to pull some piece of advice out of my ass. “Well if the other two guys aren’t talking to you, go for Boy C!” I would feign excitement and then proceed to my room alone to cry.
In the next scenario, I would really have to hide my exasperated face. The only people who tell me I’m pretty are my parents and my roommate if I hint at it enough times. Again, I would feign interest and just say, “Be honest with him. Tell him you need your alone time.” And then I would proceed to my room alone to cry.
Seriously, if someone comes up to me with the last scenario, they must really think I’m some type of superhuman with the power to unlock people’s deepest, darkest fears. I love a sandwich and that scares me! How am I supposed to relate that to an actual human being? This is my one time warning, people – never ask me what to do in this situation. All I would do in response is proceed to my room alone to cry.
In all seriousness, I really love that my friends respect my opinion. They just need to be fully aware that I have no idea what I’m talking about. But if it makes them feel better, who cares? Right?
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