I’m a younger sibling, and I won’t deny that there are luxuries that come with being the second child. Parents are way more chill about things, for example. But there’s also an undeniable feeling that I need to prove myself as equally competent as my older sister. I love my sister dearly, but following in her impressive footsteps from the district-wide 5th grade spelling bee to high school soccer games had me looking for my moments to shine, to get that external validation that is so crucial to the development of a vulnerable and insecure adolescent.
I guess I had always thought that one day we would just, I don’t know, shake each other’s hand and say “Congratulations, we are AdultsTM. We have done good things, and Mom and Dad love us both equally.” We would put on sunglasses and walk jauntily down the street together as AdultsTM. But as my sister and I are both moving comfortably past our teenage years, I’m starting to realize that ooh baby, we’re just getting started. And the stakes are even higher now that we’re dealing with Adult StuffTM that actually matters! Move aside, soccer participation trophies and fights for the front seat, there’s a boatload of other stuff to worry about now:
1) Who has the bigger 401(k)
Look, I don’t really even know what a 401(k) is, but I sure as heck want to figure it out soon and get me one of ‘em. And I know we say that “size doesn’t matter,” but I’m pretty darn certain that a bigger 401(k) would earn me a lot of points in this not-a-war war.
2) Who has the superior guest room
This of course entails that we will be successful enough to have 1) a house and 2) a guest room. But I have high hopes for us, so when we BOTH have guest rooms, one of us will therefore have the superior guest room. High-ranking features include an en suite bathroom and a locale with mild winters—I’m confident that a stellar guest experience for your parents goes a long way towards becoming the favorite child, especially if it means you have to start hosting Thanksgiving dinner at your place.
3) Whose boyfriend takes better family photos
I’m not saying it’s a competition but I’m pretty sure it’s a competition. As if finding love isn’t hard enough, I have to make sure he can snap a decent pic of the fam before we dive into the aforementioned Thanksgiving dinner.
4) Who makes a tastier quiche
There’s not much to explain here. I’ll just say that cooking skills really matter, and making a mean quiche is really what it’s all about. (Please note: store bought crust is allowed, I just checked the official tasty quiche rulebook).
5) Who gives out more Halloween candy
Halloween only happens once a year, but you damn well better make sure you give out good candy. Small children dressed as dinosaurs and Darth Vader are our harshest critics, and this is a battle for superiority that I would like to win.
6) Who gets more questions right during Jeopardy
As much as my family dislikes Alex Trebek—there is no one smugger about a wrong answer than that man—there’s still a level of respect that can only be earned by knowing the FACTS. And if you’re willing to bet it all during Final Jeopardy? Hello, major favorite child points!
7) Who is richer
Our parents keep telling us to just “follow our dreams,” but honestly, I’m starting to think they’ve been testing us for the past 20+ years.