Self-Help for Weird People

I am a human being. As a human being, I’ve experienced my fair share of ups and downs. I’m not super in tune with my own emotions, so yesterday I had a realization that hit me like a ton of bricks – I’m fucking sad. I’m sad as hell, and exhausted, and apathetic about all the things that are usually meaningful to me. Because I’m not great at dealing with negative emotions, and traditional solutions (yoga, meditation, talk therapy) seem particularly unappealing right now, I decided to write myself a list of things to do that will make me feel better, weird as I am, and hopefully this helps someone else too. Embrace it, my dudes, because I’M WEIRD AND I’M PROUD!

1. Sing a few songs like a monkey would – Replace every word with “Ooh ooh aah aah” (or variations of the same) and you’ll be feeling better in no time. (Song suggestions: “Problem” by Chance the Rapper, “It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas” by anybody, and “Baby” by Justin Bieber) Voila!
2. Remember that Ashlee Simpson exists. Think about her for a minute. Send her some love. We still love you, Ashlee, even if you named your baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz (BMW).
3. Eat fries like any guy in a 70’s movie.
4. Think about Brendan Fraser in The Mummy. Watch the film if you think you can handle his eyes bugging out at you from the screen. At least you’re not Brendan Fraser.
5. Add “Beep beep boop” or “Boop boop beep” to the beginnings or ends of your sentences. Robots don’t have feelings!
6. Dance and eat green beans at the same time. I don’t know why it works, it just does. It helps if the green beans you’re eating are a little undercooked. Maybe even leave them raw, if you’re feeling spicy.
7. Chop through your bathroom door with an axe. It sure helped Jack Nicholson when he was having a rough time!
8. Pack your bags and move into the Internet. Beep beep boop!
9. Ask yourself, “Where is the Internet?” If that doesn’t keep you busy for a while, I don’t know how I could possibly help you.
10. Say hello to a flower or an ant.
11. Wear a top hat. Greet strangers with “How do you do?” For your information, there is no proper response to “How do you do?” It’s intended as a formality reserved for the first time you meet a new person. So go ahead and say it, but don’t expect any sort of answer. Shrug.
12. Let people know they’re in a No Flex Zone. They’ll get it.
13. Fuck around with macaroni art. That shit’s pretty cool.
14. Eat the macaroni art. Don’t be wasteful, you little prick.
15. Change your major. Also, your pants. Also, yourself. Fundamentally change yourself. Then revert everything back to the way it was. Do a little dance. Congrats! You’re being the true you!

Image via Annie Warner.