It’s the encore no one asked for.
What was that Britney Spears’ song? ‘Wear that neck gaiter one more time’?
When I first began writing this article, it was with a reminiscent fondness. My memories of masked men were synonymous with mystery, intrigue, romance. After all, let’s not pretend Gerard Butler didn’t know exactly what he was doing when he became the masked ‘Phantom’… it’s SEXY. And yet, on a fateful evening in August, I was rudely reintroduced to certain overlooked breeds of the broader species: the mask mandate had returned. Needless to say my fondness has thoroughly subsided. This simple accessory that once provided such anticipatory allure now serves as an entirely unwelcome surplus of information. What masks hid before, they now advertise most blatantly. And thus, the article was born. What does the mask say about the man?
1. Mr. Mask Beneath the Nose
Look, Mr. Mask-Beneath-the-Nose is simply trying to make a fashion statement… and that statement is ‘RUN!’. He speaks in a series of unintelligible mutters, and his vocabulary is limited to that of ‘A’ight’, ‘Bet’, and ‘Lit’; you can expect a ‘U up?’ text long before that mask will ever cross the bridge of his nose. Let’s just say that that vacant look in his eyes isn’t the only place he draws a blank.
2. Mr. N95 Respirator
Mr. N95 Respirator is either a health care professional or, more probably, your local Star Wars fanatic. Please, this name is a hop, skip, and a jump from R2D2 and you know it. Although Mr. N95 assures his mom that the mask is in the interest of COVID safety, it’s really in the interest of workshopping his Grievous impression – ‘General Kenobi, we meet at the Ratty again’.
3. Mr. Neck Gaiter
While it’s entirely possible Mr. Neck Gaiter is about to climb Kilimanjaro, or maybe even ski the Swiss alps, it’s more likely he’s that guy from your environmental studies class who chronically wears a Patagonia fleece. Mr. Neck Gaiter is the kind of guy who’s always ready for an impromptu hike and perhaps hasn’t showered in a week… that sad excuse for a tube top was white, once, you know.
4. Mr. Upside-Down Mask
Let me say one thing about Mr. Upside-Down Mask. Ladies, if he can’t navigate a piece of cloth with two strings attached, it’s very possible he won’t be able to navigate other, more complicated mechanisms… need I say more?
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