Dear Valued Customer,
We received your complaint form on 11/19/20, stating that: “My Rudy is melting!”. First, on behalf of our company, we would like to extend our deepest apologies for the inconvenience this has caused for you. We pride ourselves on creating hapless flunkies who do the bidding of an idiotic despot in an attempt to subvert democracy with maximum efficiency, and we are sorry to hear that this Rudy has not lived up to your expectations. We would like to offer you a few solutions that will hopefully get your Rudy back on track!
First, I noticed in your complaint form that you put your Rudy in front of the television cameras for several hours and let him rant about supposed election fraud in Pennsylvania. I urge you to keep Rudy away from news reporters and cameras. After extended use, he can begin to melt slightly (see The Wizard of Oz for reference), which is not good for the health of your Rudy and for the general look of your administration. Quoting ‘My Cousin Vinny‘ is also not not advised for the care of your Rudy; not for any maintenance issue, but just because no one wants to hear it.
I was pleased that you kept Rudy away from the Four Seasons. Being in hotels is not good for your Rudy, especially after that Borat movie. On that note, I would advise you to keep him away from traveling to any Eastern European countries, especially Ukraine. Going forward, if you do not desire a replacement for your Rudy, your best hope is probably to turn him off and back on again, then, place him in power-saving mode.
If you desire a replacement, I am happy to discuss other options for flunkies who might be able to take his high-profile job. Some of our top-of-the-line models include:
- Stephen Miller, although there might be an issue with exposure to sunlight and other vampire-related issues.
- Lindsay Graham. There is a slight issue in that he tends to get his lips stuck to people’s butt-cheeks – we’re working on it.
- Jared Kushner. I believe he has time in his schedule to tend to election fraud, right between reforming the criminal justice system and negotiating peace with the Middle East.
We hope that these solutions are right for you! If you have any more issues with your Rudy, please feel free to contact us by phone or email.
Yours sincerely,
The GOP (Going. Out. (of) Presidency) Company