Each day, it becomes more apparent that something radical needs to be done to save the Earth, and save the human race from itself.
To provide some hope in these trying times, I’d like to propose to you all: My Plan for World Peace. It is, dare I say, exactly the type of creative, brilliant, and all-encompassing scheme that will finally solve every conceivable man-made problem in our history. With that, I will now lay it out in full.
Step 1: I will befriend Elon Musk by pretending that I like the name he gave his baby.
Step 2: After gaining his trust, I will triple-dog dare him to build a rocket ship large enough to bring roughly 4 billion people to the farthest point in the known universe.
Step 3: Fiercely protective of his ego, he will do this with great speed.
Step 4: In the meantime, I will seduce whoever’s in charge American football (I assume the man in the Nationwide commercials) to the point that he will do anything I ask. I’ll spare you the gory details, but it will definitely involve a lot of letting him beat me at pick-up basketball (which I otherwise dominate in).
Step 5: By executive order, I will have the Nationwide football man cease all sport-playing on the planet until every living male has boarded Elon’s new rocket ship.
Step 6: Unbeknownst to them, by that time I will have procured the smartest robot in the world (the blue Transformer). After awakening it to the horrors of catcalling and men’s cologne, it will become so personally offended that it will never take orders from a man for the rest of its existence.
Step 7: The robot will impersonate a human male and board the rocket ship. Before Elon notices, it will override security, gain sole control of the ship’s controls, and begin launch processes.
Step 8: I will watch from below, a single tear falling from my eye, as the male population of the world gracefully flies away. A faint smile will appear as I close my eyes and savor the soft breeze, at peace for the first time in my life. “I’m proud of you,” I’ll hear Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez say as I turn to find her standing next to me, quietly crying with joy. She’ll give me a hug, then vanish. It doesn’t matter where my dear robotic friend has chosen to take the ship, it’s finally not my place to worry about men any more.
Step 9: One year later, world peace will have been established, famines and droughts ceased to be, and climate change successfully reversed (primarily due to the massive drop in planetary BO). We can finally stop pretending to like beer, and open senior dog sanctuaries in all of the now useless Wall Street skyscrapers. The planet, and the womxn inhabiting it, will flourish.
I will be entertaining no questions and accepting no criticism of my Plan at this time, as it may or may not have already been put into action.