A couple of weeks ago, I made the grave mistake of reading my horoscope on Instagram.
Perhaps the crushing reality is that I’m just going to have to wait out this lifetime before finding my soulmate. So, to bide my time, I’ve compiled a list of ways in which this love could manifest in my next phase of existence.
- A Tree and the Dog That Pees on me. Like The Giving Tree, except just sad.
- A Nurse and Wounded Soldier in Some Unspecified But Old-Timey War. I will tend to his wounds with a piece of cloth I rip from my dress (bandages have not been invented yet) before we passionately kiss. It will be very, very sexy and very, very unhygienic.
- Peanut Butter and Jelly. We will be united for a few blissful moments until we’re eaten by a five year old with a perennially runny nose.
- A Piece of Modern Art and a Pretentious Art Student. He won’t see me as a collection of sporks, glue, and paint. Oh no, he’ll comment on how I’m self-actualized and a reflection of a consumerist society. He’ll just get me ya know?
- A Very Dorky Girl and a Jock. I care about school and he plays a sport. We can never be together! But wait! I’ll take off my glasses and become really super suddenly hot. He’ll reveal to me that he’s read a poem once, and only has walls up because his grandparents are divorced. Then, he will drive me home from school on his motorcycle that he also happens to have and it will be true love <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
- Hydrogen and Oxygen. We’ll bond together and create water- the most basic unit of life. You can’t get any more romantic than that!
- Orpheus and Eurydice. I’ve always had a thing for musicians. RIP to Eurydice, but I’m different.
- Milk and a Lactose Intolerant Person. We might not be good for each other, but nothing in this world (not even explosive diarrhoea) will be able to keep us apart.
- Princess and Peasant. I’m a princess and he’s a poor. But wait! He’s hot, too? I see him in the streets while I’m out trying to discover the real world beyond my castle walls and sparks fly. I’ll defy my dad, the King, and he’ll threaten to cut off my inheritance, which will cause me to be considerably less excited. But then I will find out that my peasant is actually the long lost son of a King from a neighboring kingdom and we’ll live happily ever after!!!
- Jack and Rose. This time, we’re real people and not just James Cameron characters and we both live.
The apocalypse can’t come soon enough.
Images via and via @realastrology