As Brown’s COVID protocols finally loosen, it’s high time we address the real epidemic on this campus: monogamy.
While the CDC may warn you of an impending flu season, don’t let these so-called scientists fool you; the only outbreak you need to worry about is cuffing season.
And this disease isn’t without casualties, I myself have lost friends to the infection of intimacy. Trust me, it’s a slow and painful death for everyone involved.
I should have seen the signs! Victims of monogamy show all the same symptoms: sighing at the sound of a text, staring off into the distance, and cancelling plans for last minute “appointment”… Nice try Kelly, we both know you’ve never shaved your legs for a trip to Alumnae Hall before.
As a member of this campus, you have the distinct responsibility of recognizing these signs and preventing the spread of this deadly disease. Fortunately, we’re here to help: here are The Rib’s Monogamy-21 Safety Policies.
If you experience any of the following symptoms, please follow CDC guidelines and self-isolate.
- Feeling lonely? Stay home.
- Netflix Originals starting to hit differently? Stay home.
- Wanting to text that guy from your lecture for a casual ‘study sesh’? Stay home.
- Starting to check your Snap maps a little too often? Stay home.
- Having the subsequent urge to go to the Ratty because you-know-who is there? Stay home.
- Circling the ratty three times, knowing full well you’ve already eaten, to ensure you-know-who sees all your angles? GIRL, STAY HOME!
If you experience any of these symptoms, however, be sure to call 911 or your nearest emergency department now.
- Confusion – Deciphering texts all day long? What does ‘loved your message’ mean anyway? Did he really love it, or did he just “like like” it?
- Fatigue – Abiding by the obligatory 5 minutes-before-responding rule may result in both lack of sleep and will to live.
- Constant chest pain – After all, nothing indicates passion quite like a heart palpitation.
- Sudden loss of taste – I feel this one needs no explanation… No girly, he isn’t cuter in person.
We also recommend frequenting your local monogamy safe zone. And no locale is more committed — though, don’t worry, they won’t “commit, commit” — to the prevention of this disease than The Shack. All anyone seems to care about are the diseases that the lacrosse players test positive for, but what about the diseases they test negative for? Monogamy, chivalry, basic human decency? Our boys in brown pass these tests with flying colors… and they haven’t done that since the PSAT!
While frequenting safe zones, also be diligent and avoid monogamy hotspots. These contagion-covered locales include all bodies of water, Quiet Green at sunset, Prospect Terrace at sunset, India Point Park at sunset… Just pretend it’s The Purge and stay indoors after dusk: the couples are coming!
And there you have it, The Rib’s guide on how to survive cuffing season monogamy-free. Yet all of the sudden I’m feeling a bit feverish… I’m short of breath… my heart’s racing… *COUGH COUGH* John text me back!!!
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