Gold Jewelry Shining So Bright
Rachel, 30. Brooklyn, New York.
He reaches for her hand across the dinner table, his thumb moving back and forth across her wrist.
“I’m having a great time tonight,” Rachel says.
“This is a bracelet.” Bruno offers.
“Oh—this?” Rachel blushes, “My mom got it for me as a law-school graduation gift four years ago. She says that I’m a real winter, you know, that I should wear cool tones and silvers and stuff like that.”
“Hmm…” Bruno intones, slipping the band off Rachel’s wrist in a surprisingly fluid motion Rachel lets out a quiet gasp. Bruno then proceeds to loosely pinch the bracelet between his thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to eye level in a motion that closely resembles that of taking hair out of a shower drain. Silver. He notes.
“Would you say that it is jewelry?”
“Is it jewelry? Um—“ Rachel laughs nervously—“well, uh, I don’t know about that, it’s not that expensive or anything. Not jewelry jewelry, you know. I’d say it’s just, what’d you call it… costume jewelry, you know, cheap stuff.”
“Mm.”
“Well, I’m a cheap date.” Rachel offers,” proceeding to laugh for an amount of time that is by all measurements way too long. “Yeah but—-well…yeah. I don’t know, it’s not much. I just like it” she says.
“That is not what I like” Bruno says. A sniper dot appears on Rachel’s forehead.
——
Strawberry Champagne on Ice
Aliyah, 24. Kansas City, Missouri.
“Ok you’re going to hate me, because it’s such a girly drink and it sounds so extra” Aliyah starts, sliding her chair towards Bruno up over a lip in the hardwood floors “but my go-to drink is probably some strawberry champagne.”
A smile breaks across Bruno’s face like a crack of lightning and disappears just as fast. “That’s what I like,” he says, and beckons the waiter over.
“Strawberry champagne? It’s funny, we normally don’t carry it, but you guys are in luck. We actually have a great bottle from this company in California that just came in. It’s more dry than it is sweet, but it’s very well-balanced.”
“That would be lovely, thank you.” Aliyah says.
“That’s what I like.” Bruno says.
The waiter brings back an elegant glass bottle and two flutes, but before he can start to pour Bruno puts out his hand.
“Are you not going to serve that over ice?”
“Oh, this isn’t for margaritas really” the waiter starts, “but we can certainly get both you some ice, sir, if that’s what you’d like.”
“That’s wha-“
“Oh no, you don’t need to get any ice for me,” Aliyah smiles, cutting Bruno off with a playful warning in her eyes. “I like this just the way it is.”
“That’s not what I like” Bruno says, pushing a button under the table.
The floor opens up under Aliyah’s chair, and she is swallowed by the gaping maw.
Bruno and the waiter exchange curt, meaningful nods as if to say: shut that shit down on sight.
—
Sex By the Fire at Night
Lily, 28. Undisclosed Location.
On a private island off the coast of Gibraltar, Bruno Mars looks at his date, and then back out to sea.
The two are relaxing on the sand with a charcuterie board, from which Bruno only takes one kind of cheese. It’s late afternoon, it’s the end of summer, and it’s eighty degrees. Excepting the helicopter circling the premises, the atmosphere is calm, quiet, and intimate.
“Would you like to have sex by the fire at night?” Bruno asks, interrupting the comfortable silence.
Lilly raises her eyebrows. “Hypothetically, or right now?”
“Right now is not yet the night-time.” Bruno says.
“No, ok…but then, later tonight you mean” she starts, “Not hypothetically.”
“That’s what I like.”
“Really” Lilly says, breaking out into a nervous smile, “I don’t know if I can say the same.”
Just then a rush of sand kicked up by the helicopter slaps Lilly across the face, and she squints her eyes shut and starts to spit up.
As soon as she gets most of the grains out of her mouth and reopens her eyes to see Bruno, he’s holding on to a thick cord descended from the helicopter.
As he floats away like a toy in the clutches of an arcade claw, Lilly yells after him “Why are you doing this?”
“That’s not what I like” Bruno says, leaving her alone on the island. “How unlucky for you.”
—
Silk Sheets and Diamonds All White
Luciana, 33. Miami, Florida.
Luciana lays with Bruno in the back of the cab, her long legs stretched out over his groin. She tucks her hair behind her ear, revealing a pair of expensive-looking drop earrings. As she brings her hand back to Bruno’s reasonably-chiseled face, her gold bangles clink against each other pleasantly.
“Anyways, I’ve always loved conflict, even as a kid. So I knew that I had to get into the conflict diamond industry as soon as I could. I didn’t have any parents or connections in the business or anything like that, but when it’s your passion, I think that really shines though, you know?”
“You like diamonds?” Bruno asks, “diamonds are what I like”
“Sure I like diamonds, but really” Luciana grins, “they come second to the conflict.”
Bruno appears to weigh this for a moment, leaning his head against the leather seat and staring, unblinking, into the middle distance.
“You want to know how I sleep at night? On silk sheets, darling. After the cocaine wears off”
Silk sheets. Bruno turns his head ninety degrees and fixes his eyes on her own. “I’m gonna give it to you” he growls.
The two of them fumble their way up the stairs to her apartment, a mess of clothes and kisses and keys in the doorway.
When they get to the bedroom, however, Bruno stops short.
“These are not white.”
“What’s not white?
Bruno offers nothing but a pointed finger towards the bedspread.
“My sheets? You’re taking about my sheets?” Luciana laughs “Uh, yeah of course they’re not white. Did you think they were going to be white?
“That’s what I like”
“That’s what you like, huh. So I’m supposed to have them at the ready? That’s rich, even coming from you Mr. 24k Magic.”
“That’s what I like.”
“Well I’d like you to leave” she says.
Without comment, Bruno turns on his heel and exits the apartment complex. On his way to the corner store to purchase some reduced-fat Cheez-Its® he looks over his shoulder, snaps his fingers, and the building detonates.
Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live, he thinks to himself.