Ah, my first ever college spring break. I couldn’t wait to get drunk and party! Quick note: “drunk” for me means drinking Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider straight out of the bottle, and “party” means laying on the couch in the bathrobe I got at the Plaza Hotel in New York and having a Leonardo DiCaprio marathon. Dear reader, allow me to take you on a journey through a few of the Leo movies I watched. I’ll share my expert movie opinions, and what I learned about life, love, and Leo.
Marvin’s Room
I’d never even heard of this movie before, and was pretty skeptical about the Lifetime-worthy description: “Straight-laced Bessie cares for her chronically ill father. When her own health goes downhill, she must ask her estranged, bohemian sibling for help.” But with Leo and Meryl Streep, how bad could it be? Turns out, it could be pretty bad! This movie had multiple annoying characters, a deeply unsatisfying ending, and not nearly enough screen-time for my #1 boy.
Pro: getting to ogle at this angelic face
Con: the plot
Official rating: -2/10 Leo manbuns
Django Unchained
This movie was on my “Movies I Should Have Seen By Now” list, and the time had come to cross it off. I don’t really know how to describe my feelings about this movie. Yes, it was incredible. It was fast-paced with witty dialogue and strong acting. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from the TV. But like, BLOOD, and like, TORTURE, and like, SO MUCH MORE BLOOD. And I know I’m not supposed to like Leo’s character because he’s a really horrible person, but I can’t help it if I find Leo attractive, okay Mom?!
Pro: that awesome scene when Leo’s hand starts bleeding for real but he stays in character because he’s the best actor in the history of acting
Con: Tarantino makes me laugh at inappropriate times like when everyone is dying and then I feel really guilty about laughing
Official rating: 8.2/10 DiCapricorns
The Revenant
Alas, Leo’s Oscar-winning role. I couldn’t wait to see if it lived up to the hype. Everything in this movie seemed so real, like I was experiencing it all alongside Leo. In this one scene, Leo is freezing, so he takes all the organs out of a horse carcass, strips down naked, and sleeps inside it. I felt like I was there with him, except in my house under a Christmas blanket instead of naked in a horse carcass. In another scene, Leo is starving, so he eats raw bison liver and totally gags on it. It made me gag too, but maybe that’s because I had already read that Leo ate real bison liver for the scene. Overall, there wasn’t a lot of dialogue in this movie, but it still made me feel, like, a lot of feelings.
Pro: I know how to defend myself in the event of a bear attack
Con: Tom Hardy, what the hell are you saying?
Official Rating: “I really liked the movie but I think Leo has had other performances that are more Oscar-worthy”/10
The Aviator
This is perhaps my favorite Leo movie. It deals with the life Howard Hughes, an inventor, filmmaker, and aviator, and the impact of his worsening obsessive-compulsive disorder. Leo is so immersed in this character that I forget how annoying I find Cate Blanchett’s portrayal of Katharine Hepburn. There are also a lot of random people in this movie which add to its greatness: Adam Scott, John C. Reilly, Alec Baldwin, Jude Law, Edward Hermann. And oh, I don’t know if you’ve heard of this guy, he’s kind of an unknown: LEONARDO DICAPRIO!
Pro: Leo in this jacket
Con: Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn, but that’s more of a personal problem I have
Official rating: All the blueprints
Concluding Remarks
My main takeaway is that I really love Leo, both in terms of his acting ability and his dashing good looks. I will always be astounded by his dedication to whatever character he is playing. Leo sustains me, and that’s why there’s a picture of him taped to my water bottle. I’m also extremely confident that if he met me, he would fall in love with me. I know, I’m only 18 and he’s 41, but his current Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend is rumored to be 19 so I totally have a chance. So uh, Leo, hit me up, k?
Images via, via, Sam Crausman, via, via, via, via, via, and Sam Crausman.