I was careless, I know. I’m sorry. I’m usually so good at this, but I can’t help it if every once in a while something goes wrong. What gave it away? Was it the fact that I commented “>>>>>>>>” on a picture of your cousin’s birthday party because I thought I was pressing the next arrow? Was it the girl who I accidentally sent a friend request to while scrolling through your friend list, who saw that our only mutual friend was you?
No matter. What’s done is done. You know I Facebook stalked you, and now you want to know why, so here you go. The reason is probably one of the following:
- Somebody called me by your name for the fourth time this month, and I need to find out who you are and what you look like and which one of us is the alpha.
- You told me you bailed on our plans cause you had to work, but there was a picture on my timeline of you with Justin and Angie at the new Star Wars movie that told a different story.
- You went to middle school with the person I actually wanted to stalk, and holy shit does he look adorable in that baseball uniform.
- You have the same name as the person I actually wanted to stalk, and I accidentally clicked, but you’re cute so I stayed.
- I needed to know how useful you’ll be once the zombie apocalypse hits.
- You’re dating my lazy coworker who constantly forces me to pick up her slack, and I needed to make sure you’re also a good-for-nothing sack of human garbage.
- You’re my conversational German professor, and I was looking for ways to suck up during the final next week.
- Your cousin’s band is opening for Kings of Leon this summer, and I need to befriend you before she becomes famous.
- I dreamt we went to Mexico together and adopted a family of penguins and I was analyzing my subconscious.
- I said you were from Berkeley, Kyle said you were from Birmingham, we had to find out who was right. I won a donut, so thanks.
- You’re in my old middle school marching band, and I wanted to know if Mr. Ryan still makes that ridiculous trombone cake at the end of each year.
- You’re my mailman, and it just so happens I’m writing a story about a mailman, so I needed this for research.
- It was a casual Friday night with a bowl of ice-cream and my laptop.
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