The spookiest (or spoopiest, depending on how in tune you are with the internet) time of year is approaching and, honestly? I’m just stressed out as hell. I don’t actually hate Halloween, I love that shit. That’s why I can acknowledge that it’s the single most stressful holiday of the year. Wait, I’m sorry, did you just think to yourself, “But Nicole, what about Valentine’s Day or Christmas?” Wow, dear reader, maybe you have a point–
WRONG!
Gift giving is easy af. If you’re out of ideas, just buy them an iTunes gift card or front row tickets to Hamilton on Broadway! (I hope you’re reading this, Mom.)
But Halloween? Oh, man, where do I even BEGIN.
Costumes, probably. Like, do you go for a “clever” costume like Captain Canada…
…or a cute simple cat costume? A sexy kitty costume?
(Close enough, Google Images.)
Or maybe you do a group/couple costume? Multiple cats? Siamese cats? THE OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS!!! What are the pros and cons of DIY versus store-bought? What if no one knows what you are, what do you do then?!? Sometimes, I’ve been so stressed that I just give up and end up having a really crappy costume. Examples will NOT be provided because I am still embarrassed by them.
And, you obviously have to set aside time for Halloween movies. But also, let’s be realistic; you’re in college. There are papers to write and readings to read. So you can only decide on one Halloween movie series marathon to watch. Oh, and no matter what you pick, you also HAVE to watch It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t want to watch a Peanuts holiday special. Cut those toxic relationships out of your life.
I guess the most obvious choice here is to watch those actual Halloween movies with that Mike Myers guy who, apparently, is not the same one who plays Shrek or Austin Powers. But if you’re a wimp like me, you stay quite clear and free of horror movies, thank you very much.
From here, we can go to the old school classics, like Halloweentown, but do you really have time to watch all four Halloweentown movies? Sadly, you probably only have time for one and that’s if you pretend that your problem set is not completely, inexcusably incorrect.
Don’t look at me like that, Marnie. You would understand if you had to take Principles of Economics.
ALSO, are you supposed to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas on Halloween or on Christmas? Or both? Or in between? Or half on Halloween and half on Christmas? I NEED SOME ANSWERS, PEOPLE!
Don’t even get me started on candy. It’s more Halloween-y to get those massive bags with smaller bags of candy and chocolate inside, but that’s just gonna make it more difficult when I have to unwrap them before shoving them in my face nonstop as I’m watching insert- Halloween-movie here. The only EASY decision is to not buy candy corn, hands down the most disgusting thing ever seen on this earth in the past 4.5 billion years.
But, despite all this stress, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be out and about on the hill Saturday night, dressed in my same Minnie Mouse costume from last year (I’m adding a nose this time), holding a bottle of vodka water in one hand and a jack-o-lantern in the other. Please feel free to stop me and ask for a picture or autograph.
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